The medicine came on fast and came on strong. I realized I spend a significant amount of time labelling myself - I am this, I am not that and tonight the labels went away.
I can not really tell you what happened as I could not comprehend the unfolding of events, images and sensations I went through in such a short time (something I will refer to as the terribles, coined by Anton) and then the time loop.
The time loop was like an unfolding and deconstruction of my who and all of my mindless thinking. How hard I truly have to work to NOT know what's going on. How hard I truly have to work in everyday interactions to see a sign or make meaning out of the words and actions of others. How hard I have to work to discover all of the things I already know.
Tonight I discovered CHOICE. Literally everything comes down to choice.
How long will I self destruct? As long as I choose to.
How long will I continue to not have a morning routine or get serious about my business again? As long as I choose to.
How long until I stop beating myself up for my choices?
How long until I choose differently?
How long until I am ok?
How long until I am good enough?
How long until I love myself?
All choice my friend. Last night Ben's words rang so loud in my ears. "You are forgetting about 1 very important person - YOURSELF" and by doing that it's easy to forget that everything is a choice.
Control & Stability
From Bali to Big Lake. What an incredible journey. From +25 C to -9 C. So many incredible lessons along the way, in fact it feels like they just keep a comin. Today I speak to my perception of control & stability.
I came back from Bali so I could finalize the sale of the house. One more interaction with the man that has been my partner for the past 10 years and I felt like there would be more closure. A quick deposit of our money and he tells me to have a good trip and gone. Just like that. I expected more (lol back to the post on expectations). I sat in my car and recognized my want for control. I recognized that 5 months has passed since my decision to end our relationship and in creeps the sensations I have labelled as unstable. No home, no partner, no job (in the conventional definition) and according to Maselow that means I am fucked. I default that moment to drinks!!!!! Drinks bring my drinking partner and I to the brilliant idea of driving through a snow storm to see my bestie Amy with my bupbups, Summer.
Driving proves to be a thing on its own. Who is going to do it? What does it feel like to sit in the passenger seat? Why is this even a thing? Music? 3 different lives all brought together to share a small amount of space for the next 8 hours. Hmmmmm. I didn’t realize all the possibilities.
Firstly, you are sharing the air you breathe. So if someone vapes or stinks, that effects you. Next you share the environment. Things can be too hot or too cold or too loud or to dancey or too jazzy, lol. And others often have something to say about how you drive. There is a lot to a road trip that you don’t notice when you are in a relationship, because you have already gone through it. You have stayed together because most of these things have clicked. Hopefully. Lots of lessons on control and also compromise AND gratefulness. What I noticed was what I have taken for granted and all the reasons I have feared new relationships. Starting fresh.
What I have learned though is you don’t have to compromise too much, there are 7.8 billion people out there and some of them like the same things as you. As well as the importance of self and self love, self compassion and self trust. It is just so fucking important to love yourself. OR you can easily take someone else’s shit and make it mean something about yourself. How quick we are to beat ourselves up when someone accuses us of something that really has nothing to do with us, but rather their own inner conflicts.
Big Lake was great. There was snow, alcohol, kids, amazing food and memories. Amy is an incredible mom and I am so in love with her and her beautiful babies. Back to reminders of how lucky we are to pick our family. ❤️
I have dove deep over the last few days in regards to my life. How do I ground when I have no home base? How do I come back to center, to stability and not have the need to control? And truly are those even things or just illusions we place in front of us? I can ground with no home base! I can find center on the equator! How do I find my divine feminine leadership and completely surrender to the flow? As Abraham Hicks says, nothing you want is upstream. Don’t work so fucking hard. So here we go. Sweet surrender!!!!
Today I was going to post about something else, but the universe had a different lesson in mind for me it seems. Today I speak about anger.
I was on the last leg of flights yesterday and decided to journal about how chill of a person I am. Like I do get upset sometimes and angry, but I hold it inside. I don’t often tell or tell people I am upset and I don’t think many people in this world have seen me show those types of emotions. Yet, I guess it is time to stop stuffing. After travelling for 27 hours we arrived at the resort and as great as they were, they were not organized. We had an hour and a half check in and at the end of it all, I was theonly one that didn’t have a room. I was tired, wanted to shower and unpack and eat and go to bed. The people seemed very rigid on their policies and rules and I was feeling frustration inside, but didn’t want anyone to see it. So I kept smiling.
I waited quite a while for my room and eventually went to dinner where we found out that a $10 bottle of wine is $95. Really? I am frustrated and now I can’t drink? Prosecco has been my friend for the last few months and I quickly realized a coping mechanism. But that’s ok, just keep smiling. What’s the lesson here for me??? I mean I could drink. It is just really pricey.
Next day. I have to move rooms now and they still don’t have vouchers made for me so that I can eat. It’s ok they tell me and off to the restaurant I go where they refuse to let me eat. Omfg. Really? Mary Penhall Freeman, the sweetest person ever gives me some acknowledgement and I share my journal entry and my lessons in all of this. Some amazingcoaching offered by my new partner in crime Yogi Will, and I recognize that this is the next part of me to be healed. The anger bit. The self love. With a lack of beat up. And yet still being heard.
And I did. I felt and acknowledged that I have anger in my body. I recognized that I have spent so many years trying not to be my Mom. My little girl also had to hide emotions to be strong. To not be angry. To not let anyone see her sweat, or cry, or get mad. To not let anyone know that their words hurt or affected me. And I am grown now. I have emotions. And things hurt me sometimes. I have even cried once or twice.... in the last week. Lol. It’s time for me to feel. It’s time for me to share. It’s time for me to heal.