Energy Leaks

It feels so easy to coach everyone else.

In speaking with people, it is so obvious to me where someone's blocks are, where they are going "wrong" in their lives, decisions & businesses, & what they need to do to get the results they are looking for. What makes me a good coach is not telling people these things, but rather supporting my clients in recognizing these things themselves. That being said, seeing one's own shit is not as easy. It is a consistent complaint I hear from others, that life coaches or business coaches don't have perfect lives themselves. Well ya'll, the reality is - that's true. We don't. When choosing a coach, i believe the important reality is that the coach has integrity, is authentic & practices what they preach (insert definitions here what those words mean to you).

For me, practicing what I preach encompasses both integrity & authenticity and this means that I regularly check in with my personal & business lives to ensure that I am doing my work in full support of my own personal growth & also that of my clients. The last couple of weeks for myself & my clients have been focused on clearing up energy leaks. Energy leaks are areas in our lives where we are unconsciously & consistently draining our energy on people, places & things that do not serve us but rather take away from us. And it's time to shine a light on that SHIT.

It's time to seal the energy leaks. Take a look around your life & get clear about what your outer world looks like, because your outer world is very indicative of your inner world. For example unpaid bills, incomplete projects, messy inboxes, old clothes & clutter are just the same inside as these things are detrimental to moving forward, as it is plainly obvious the person is holding on to old memories, not dealing with things, etc. etc.

Today while mulling over a friend's ex-girlfriend/friend choices in their current life, I camp up with the perfect life fixes forthem, the ways they could incorporate this month's theme into their life to clean up what has been going on for them & it hit me how great it would be for me to take my own advice... and of course, share in case you guys could also learn from this. This was really related to who it is that you have in your life and how much energy you are expending on those people.

I have heard that you and the results in your life are an average of the 5 people you spend the majority of your time with (not who you want to spend time with, but actually do). Take a look around. For me, the reality is that I am coming home soon & what I am looking at is where I am going & who I will be spending time with. My mind wanders to who I was spending time with before I left, who I have kept in touch with while away and (judge this statement if you will) how it is benefitting me now.

One concept that I regularly speak to is focused on looking forward to create your future. Many people look at their pasts, repeat their stories, make the same choice and this translate to creating a future based on one's past. Yet, when one makes that choice, what they are doing (usually unconsciously & unaware) is repeating a pattern. "If you keep doing what you've always done, you are going to get what you have always gotten, if you want something different, you need to do something different." So, why do you spend time with the people you spend your time with? Answer that question honestly & whole heartedly.

Personally, I found myself thinking I owe these people something :O. I quickly realized maybe not a reason to call them when I get back. A dear friend introduced me to this concept that you should leave them better than . when you found them, and I love that. AND the piece that I heard differently today was LEAVE them. What exactly is the point of continuing when it is over? If it was toxic and needed to end, what is the benefit of continuing it in anyway friends or more? Why?

So while this question plays in my head and I begin to review where my energy is going interpersonally, today, I offer you some free, unsolicited advice - where your focus goes, your energy grows - take a hard look

The Western World

I have arrived back in the Western world. It hit me when I was flying from Roatan: Wow, it is the end of that part of the journey. The journey that I prepared for for months and months. The pinnacle find myself, love myself, “fix” myself journey away from my family, my old life and all the other things that no longer seemed to fit. I was afraid of so many things, had so many expectations and no idea how it would go. AND... I am so glad I did it. I found all the pieces of me (weirdly enough right where they are now and have always been), experienced all the feels of ups and downs and arounds. I met the most amazing people and also found appreciation for all the amazing people I already know, and I learned so much about so many things. The weather was always warm and the scenery always beautiful, AND now, here I am.

Chicago has been a gentle landing, and for that I am happy. Tomorrow I fly to Nevada City, California to check out the ecstatic dance community, see Rebecca Bone Movement Practices and eeeeeeeee Shaneward. Steven Giron, Ph.D., Michael & Laura Cotton are amazing people doing some intense work here for human kind. If you haven’t yet, I encourage you to check out Source Code Meditation - a scientifically proven technology that awakens your higher brain to help advance each human into the next consciousness. As always this has fallen into my lap at the perfect time and I have experienced hands on as well as enrolled in the 8 week program... which has helped to ease my fears about returning to the west. Kicking my higher brain just won’t let me fall back into this old, not good enough thinking. As always, life is. Continuing. For me on this course of growth, bliss and impact. So happy to be integrating all of the rich lessons so well.

Tomorrow I will travel to a place where I will set up roots. I will settle in one place for the longest amount of time since January of 2018!!! Whoa. Or, at least that is the plan ???? This fact in itself is both scary and beautiful and I look forward to this next part of the adventure. I declare this time about building and gaining momentum where I claim the life I have dreamed about, the life I have been walking towards all these years... It is time ❤️

Sovereignty

Sovereignty. This word had come up for me a few times over the course of this journey. At forest dance it was the theme of day 2.

Sovereignty is not a word I am completely aware of. For me I remember it in relation to the monarch. The dictionary defines sovereignty as supreme power or authority

Sovereignty is something I have never claimed for myself. I have just given it away to those around me without even knowing it. I have unconsciously asked every one around me, is this ok? Am I ok? I have remained free of boundaries so as to not offend. I have camouflaged into groups to try to fit in and I have stayed silent to not be rude. From these actions, I don't know how to claim what I want. I feel unaware of what I like. I feel unclear about everything ????

It feels easy to sit here and proclaim the reclaiming of my sovereignty, my personal power and authority, but to be honest I don't know what that looks like, what that would feel like and quite frankly it feels like uncharted territory. Scary, uncomfortable and new. AGAIN.

I will breathe and start with intention. The intention that all of the things I need to come to me that offer the opportunity to rise and choose sovereignty do come to me with ease and grace. I will have faith that where I am now is exactly where I am supposed to be ❤️ AND I will keep moving forward.

Surrender

Grasping. I recognize it is what I do when it feels like I am just wandering, ungrounded. It’s like slowly melting down a hole while trying to hold on or grab whatever you can off of the slippery sides. And now, I’m back in Costa Rica. The unravelling seems to happen quicker, the more I am able to let go, even just a bit, and fall into the flow. Today I landed. I made it to the beach, I put my feet in the sand, I sat down, I heard the ocean, I felt the vibe and I closed my eyes. Now, writing it out, it sounds simple, but I actually just did those things and nothing else. I was totally present, and recognized my need and attempt to control things, the best I can, being the nicest that I can and most spiritually appropriate. Lol. For real. And… it’s hard work.

The words let go appeared and it felt like my body did. With my eyes closed, all I saw was red, heard the ocean, forgot about my aching body, and slipped into sublime. Let go changed to release, release shifted to surrender and that is the intention. I surrender in every way. Surrender coffee, surrender control, and surrender to the teacher training, the process, the immersion.

And here we go. A deep dive into the divine feminine ❤️. I am so honoured and excited to take part in and be a part of this training @Danyasa Eco-Retreat Center with Sofiah Thom, Sophia Feria, Maite Onochie & Adrianna Pe

Ownership

Mar. 26 - Journal Entry

OWNERSHIP

Up until recently, every relationship I have been in has been about ownership. Being together means property. This means I get to tell you what to do and I have to listen or not, to what you tell me to do. We can fight if either doesn’t “listen”, etc. I have been that way but not to an extreme & have been shifting for the last few years, but have maintained some control over my significant other.

I have thought lots about old patterns of jealousy & upset and not speaking up & not being honest and now in this moment recognize that I was manipulative & could claim the victim if things didn’t work out. On this journey I have been introduced to a lot of ways of being that I didn’t even know existed. A lot of labels as well.

Is a relationship two individual people that come together to explore this life or part of this life together and what are the rules around that? With open relationships, polyamory, fluidity, sapiosexuals, and a million other LABELS the evolution of relationship sure looks differentthan what my parents and grandparents partook in. As of late, my idea of the only boundaries being open, honest & transparent communication seems to be what I am seeking. Being a serial monogamous, I am not sure how all the other things would fly with me, but I can imagine that with constant communication anything can either be worked through or explored without ownership or rules by rather with mutual respect and love.

Retreat Ponderings

March 24 Journal Entry

Thoughts while spending contemplation time during the retreat.

For the last few years I have been super into manifesting and finding clarity around what one wants in order to attain it. More recently I made a list about what/who I want my next partner to be/be like. It’s a great list. Back home, the more I interacted and dated, the clearer I became about what I want and don’t want, so the list grows. As I continue to meet people more recently, I have started to question this list. Not all of it, just some parts. For example, previously I dated someone super tall, I have never really hung out with someonethat tall before, and I thought it was awesome, so I put it on the list. Through my travels (and life in general), I have met a significant amount of not tall people (we are talking 6’6”) and they have a lot of the qualities that I am seeking and this has had me question my list and therefore, my advice to others. So the questions flow - how much of this is superficial? Like why tall? What am I looking for? How important are physical aspects as compared to the deeper stuff? Is deviating from the list a cop out and fear that stems from being alone? OR am I closer to discovering who is right for me, even if they don’t completely fit the list? Is the list person out there?

Which brings me back to a lesson in patience. In slowing down. In knowing. AND yet brings up more question… Trust. Go with the flow. Be in the present. Enjoy. Faith. How fucking hard is it to do those things… lol? Depends on my vocabulary, I guess.

Best Date Ever

Today fate put me in a car from the farm to Jaco to meet my babies with yet another interesting and beautiful creature so full of lessons. My drive to Jaco with Pat was yet another, super clear sign from the universe.

The farm was so amazing and healing. On my last day I was taken on a beautiful jungle date to a river confluence and was shown enlightenment with a different medicine. Love & nature. The conversation that took place on the big rock on the bank of the river was the most powerful and insightful conversation I may have ever partaken in. What I heard was that I am so perfectly imperfect just the way I am and that my expectations around self love will continue to leave me disappointed. That the more I keep searching, the more I will discover I don't have and therefore will continue to search and not find and nothing, no one, especially me, will ever be good enough. That the intention to search outward is enough to say that I don't know, I don't have the answers and therefore will forever quest for the right answer. I cried and I truly saw nature and myself for what we truly are. I also saw another person as they truly are. Divine & beautiful & authentic and real

Back to my drive... I was attached to what my next direction would be and the conversation on our drive really showed me that I am going in a different direction. What I recognized was that I am unattaching from material things and really starting to attach to the feelings & experiences and then want to make or stay in the moment. But the truth I need to see is that the experience happens and I try to hold on and make that the thing. And unattachment is the practice, as well as trusting and allowing. So... how can I take the lessons & experiences & let them go, holding the experience & memories & continuing to take what comes to me as it comes to me?

Oh My God!!!!

Oh
My
God

Today I arrived on the farm. I did not expect this. I was shown to my abode and there were no fucking walls. Open air to the mother fucking jungle. No net on my bed. Listen... 4 weeks ago I had eyelash extensions and a French manicure, 6 weeks ago I had a 3000 square foot home and here I am. Lol.

No Internet, no cell service, no indoor bathrooms, but.... There are composting toilets, nature, and jungle boys.

Pulled 2 cards today - one said go for it, be daring & the other said be healed in nature. Quite the place to come to. No fucking walls. Open air bed. This forest dance could be crazy and insightful and beautiful. Be open. Everything will be fine with kids. You have got this.

***Looking back on this I am astonished. Opportunities came up that I really struggled with and I did go for it and I was daring, but I didn't remember those cards. I was totally healed in nature. Also Summer was travelling to Costa Rica and I was struggling because I couldn't keep in contact and I figured she needed her mommy... But she did fine without me.

Mar.5

Morning here with the neighbours... I fell in love immediately with Michael & Linda... Fresh coffee, guitar, songs, wise words and a heart shaped tub!

Insights from Michael's morning session :
The little voice in me that talks with no sound.
I am not becoming. I am not going anywhere. I am that, whatever that is.
Go from knowing it all to all knowing.

Evening here includes community, amazing food, incense and reading. A book made its way to me called We. Well worth the read. Notes from We :
In the evolution of consciousness our greatest problem is always our richest opportunity.
Zen teaches that inner growth always involves an experience of a red hot coal in the throat. In our development we always come to a problem, an obstacle that goes so deep that we can't swallow and we can't cough it up.
Love is an archetype, it has its own character, it's own traits, it's own personality. Love behaves as a person in the unconscious. Love is distinct from my ego. Love was here before my ego came in to this world. Love will be here after my ego departs. Yet, love is something or someone that lives within me. Therefore, when I say I love, it is not I who love, but in reality love who acts through me. Love is not so much as something I do as something that I am. Love is not a doing but a state of being.

Funny How Things Go...

Funny how things go... Envision Yoga Festival was the first plan I made post decision to sell everything I own after a Clarity Breathwork Session. Kylie Judge & Leah Barsher ran a special session for my clients and invited me to join them at Envision & Forest Dance here in Costa Rica.... without really knowing what they were, I was quick to say yes. They invited me to stay with them in a hostel, my first hostel and I was a bit apprehensive about it, so Kylie introduced me to Denise. Funny enough, Denise MacDonald and I chose to hang out prior to the festival, without ever considering we wouldn't get along.

Today (Feb.25) I was sitting with Denise at my fave little spot in Dominical, where I was breathed back to life. Denise coached me back to reality, thank God. She gave me 2 different analogies that I will share:

#1 was what happened to me. She said it was like the loonie tunes moment when the coyote runs off the cliff and the Road Runner makes him aware that he can't fly... then he looks down and falls hard. From that experience breeds fear and moving forward is halted. WOW!!! That is exactly what happened!!!

#2 was her bungee jumping story. We are so alike. So she tells me about how she was with a group and they decide to get avideo of them jumping. She was afraid, so she went first. She jumped and kind of jumped in a way that when she hit the bottom of the rope it kind of whiplashed her and it didn't feel super great, but she had gone and was all good. At the end, after everyone had jumped, they said, well only one more to go - Denise, it is your turn. Denise was like, no I went first. They apologized, said they didn't get her jump on video and that she needed to jump again (free jump). Because she didn't jump head first, her experience had been jarring and she didn't want to do it again. The second time knowing what to expect... She got all hooked up and then refused to jump, said it was too scary. It became a thing, the line up was getting long and she didn't want to jump, so they called in the calvary. A guy came and sat on theplatform with her and explained that the longer she sat there the stronger the fear in the pit of her stomach would grow and that it would just get worse and that her only option was to jump. So she did. She said the second time was 10x harder to jump than the first time, BUT if she didn't jump, she would be letting fear win & that would seep into her life.

The next lesson that fit in here at this moment was my roommate in the sacred valley. She had been left with debt and worked her ass off for 2 years, working 2 jobs until she paid it off and got to zero.

Denise said usually what gets in people's way are 2 things, #1 not knowing how to start & #2 nerves around going live, being seen, etc. And neither of those are issues for me, so... on top of that I have more ideas and material, so time to go for it.

What came to me in that moment was not leaving Costa Rica, not going back to the jungle and staying here and getting to work. This for me took the focus off of finding a connection with someone and gave me a goal. Work, pay cheap bills, and get that student loan gone. And now I am pumped.

The connection must wait. The connection is just a distraction, I need to be me. To find me. To clean up my biz. To dedicate my time to a consistent routine. To get a schedule. To stop having excuses and yet stop being so hard on myself.