I have arrived back in the Western world. It hit me when I was flying from Roatan: Wow, it is the end of that part of the journey. The journey that I prepared for for months and months. The pinnacle find myself, love myself, “fix” myself journey away from my family, my old life and all the other things that no longer seemed to fit. I was afraid of so many things, had so many expectations and no idea how it would go. AND... I am so glad I did it. I found all the pieces of me (weirdly enough right where they are now and have always been), experienced all the feels of ups and downs and arounds. I met the most amazing people and also found appreciation for all the amazing people I already know, and I learned so much about so many things. The weather was always warm and the scenery always beautiful, AND now, here I am.
Chicago has been a gentle landing, and for that I am happy. Tomorrow I fly to Nevada City, California to check out the ecstatic dance community, see Rebecca Bone Movement Practices and eeeeeeeee Shaneward. Steven Giron, Ph.D., Michael & Laura Cotton are amazing people doing some intense work here for human kind. If you haven’t yet, I encourage you to check out Source Code Meditation - a scientifically proven technology that awakens your higher brain to help advance each human into the next consciousness. As always this has fallen into my lap at the perfect time and I have experienced hands on as well as enrolled in the 8 week program... which has helped to ease my fears about returning to the west. Kicking my higher brain just won’t let me fall back into this old, not good enough thinking. As always, life is. Continuing. For me on this course of growth, bliss and impact. So happy to be integrating all of the rich lessons so well.
Tomorrow I will travel to a place where I will set up roots. I will settle in one place for the longest amount of time since January of 2018!!! Whoa. Or, at least that is the plan ???? This fact in itself is both scary and beautiful and I look forward to this next part of the adventure. I declare this time about building and gaining momentum where I claim the life I have dreamed about, the life I have been walking towards all these years... It is time ❤️
Sovereignty
Sovereignty. This word had come up for me a few times over the course of this journey. At forest dance it was the theme of day 2.
Sovereignty is not a word I am completely aware of. For me I remember it in relation to the monarch. The dictionary defines sovereignty as supreme power or authority
Sovereignty is something I have never claimed for myself. I have just given it away to those around me without even knowing it. I have unconsciously asked every one around me, is this ok? Am I ok? I have remained free of boundaries so as to not offend. I have camouflaged into groups to try to fit in and I have stayed silent to not be rude. From these actions, I don't know how to claim what I want. I feel unaware of what I like. I feel unclear about everything ????
It feels easy to sit here and proclaim the reclaiming of my sovereignty, my personal power and authority, but to be honest I don't know what that looks like, what that would feel like and quite frankly it feels like uncharted territory. Scary, uncomfortable and new. AGAIN.
I will breathe and start with intention. The intention that all of the things I need to come to me that offer the opportunity to rise and choose sovereignty do come to me with ease and grace. I will have faith that where I am now is exactly where I am supposed to be ❤️ AND I will keep moving forward.
Surrender
Grasping. I recognize it is what I do when it feels like I am just wandering, ungrounded. It’s like slowly melting down a hole while trying to hold on or grab whatever you can off of the slippery sides. And now, I’m back in Costa Rica. The unravelling seems to happen quicker, the more I am able to let go, even just a bit, and fall into the flow. Today I landed. I made it to the beach, I put my feet in the sand, I sat down, I heard the ocean, I felt the vibe and I closed my eyes. Now, writing it out, it sounds simple, but I actually just did those things and nothing else. I was totally present, and recognized my need and attempt to control things, the best I can, being the nicest that I can and most spiritually appropriate. Lol. For real. And… it’s hard work.
The words let go appeared and it felt like my body did. With my eyes closed, all I saw was red, heard the ocean, forgot about my aching body, and slipped into sublime. Let go changed to release, release shifted to surrender and that is the intention. I surrender in every way. Surrender coffee, surrender control, and surrender to the teacher training, the process, the immersion.
Thoughts while spending contemplation time during the retreat.
For the last few years I have been super into manifesting and finding clarity around what one wants in order to attain it. More recently I made a list about what/who I want my next partner to be/be like. It’s a great list. 😉 Back home, the more I interacted and dated, the clearer I became about what I want and don’t want, so the list grows. As I continue to meet people more recently, I have started to question this list. Not all of it, just some parts. For example, previously I dated someone super tall, I have never really hung out with someonethat tall before, and I thought it was awesome, so I put it on the list. Through my travels (and life in general), I have met a significant amount of not tall people (we are talking 6’6”) and they have a lot of the qualities that I am seeking and this has had me question my list and therefore, my advice to others. So the questions flow - how much of this is superficial? Like why tall? What am I looking for? How important are physical aspects as compared to the deeper stuff? Is deviating from the list a cop out and fear that stems from being alone? OR am I closer to discovering who is right for me, even if they don’t completely fit the list? Is the list person out there?
Which brings me back to a lesson in patience. In slowing down. In knowing. AND yet brings up more question… Trust. Go with the flow. Be in the present. Enjoy. Faith. How fucking hard is it to do those things… lol? Depends on my vocabulary, I guess.
Best Date Ever
Today fate put me in a car from the farm to Jaco to meet my babies with yet another interesting and beautiful creature so full of lessons. My drive to Jaco with Pat was yet another, super clear sign from the universe.
The farm was so amazing and healing. On my last day I was taken on a beautiful jungle date to a river confluence and was shown enlightenment with a different medicine. Love & nature. The conversation that took place on the big rock on the bank of the river was the most powerful and insightful conversation I may have ever partaken in. What I heard was that I am so perfectly imperfect just the way I am and that my expectations around self love will continue to leave me disappointed. That the more I keep searching, the more I will discover I don't have and therefore will continue to search and not find and nothing, no one, especially me, will ever be good enough. That the intention to search outward is enough to say that I don't know, I don't have the answers and therefore will forever quest for the right answer. I cried and I truly saw nature and myself for what we truly are. I also saw another person as they truly are. Divine & beautiful & authentic and real <3
Back to my drive... I was attached to what my next direction would be and the conversation on our drive really showed me that I am going in a different direction. What I recognized was that I am unattaching from material things and really starting to attach to the feelings & experiences and then want to make or stay in the moment. But the truth I need to see is that the experience happens and I try to hold on and make that the thing. And unattachment is the practice, as well as trusting and allowing. So... how can I take the lessons & experiences & let them go, holding the experience & memories & continuing to take what comes to me as it comes to me?
