Control & Stability
From Bali to Big Lake. What an incredible journey. From +25 C to -9 C. So many incredible lessons along the way, in fact it feels like they just keep a comin. Today I speak to my perception of control & stability.
I came back from Bali so I could finalize the sale of the house. One more interaction with the man that has been my partner for the past 10 years and I felt like there would be more closure. A quick deposit of our money and he tells me to have a good trip and gone. Just like that. I expected more (lol back to the post on expectations). I sat in my car and recognized my want for control. I recognized that 5 months has passed since my decision to end our relationship and in creeps the sensations I have labelled as unstable. No home, no partner, no job (in the conventional definition) and according to Maselow that means I am fucked. I default that moment to drinks!!!!! Drinks bring my drinking partner and I to the brilliant idea of driving through a snow storm to see my bestie Amy with my bupbups, Summer.
Driving proves to be a thing on its own. Who is going to do it? What does it feel like to sit in the passenger seat? Why is this even a thing? Music? 3 different lives all brought together to share a small amount of space for the next 8 hours. Hmmmmm. I didn’t realize all the possibilities.
Firstly, you are sharing the air you breathe. So if someone vapes or stinks, that effects you. Next you share the environment. Things can be too hot or too cold or too loud or to dancey or too jazzy, lol. And others often have something to say about how you drive. There is a lot to a road trip that you don’t notice when you are in a relationship, because you have already gone through it. You have stayed together because most of these things have clicked. Hopefully. Lots of lessons on control and also compromise AND gratefulness. What I noticed was what I have taken for granted and all the reasons I have feared new relationships. Starting fresh.
What I have learned though is you don’t have to compromise too much, there are 7.8 billion people out there and some of them like the same things as you. As well as the importance of self and self love, self compassion and self trust. It is just so fucking important to love yourself. OR you can easily take someone else’s shit and make it mean something about yourself. How quick we are to beat ourselves up when someone accuses us of something that really has nothing to do with us, but rather their own inner conflicts.
Big Lake was great. There was snow, alcohol, kids, amazing food and memories. Amy is an incredible mom and I am so in love with her and her beautiful babies. Back to reminders of how lucky we are to pick our family. ❤️
I have dove deep over the last few days in regards to my life. How do I ground when I have no home base? How do I come back to center, to stability and not have the need to control? And truly are those even things or just illusions we place in front of us? I can ground with no home base! I can find center on the equator! How do I find my divine feminine leadership and completely surrender to the flow? As Abraham Hicks says, nothing you want is upstream. Don’t work so fucking hard. So here we go. Sweet surrender!!!!