Up until recently, every relationship I have been in has been about ownership. Being together means property. This means I get to tell you what to do and I have to listen or not, to what you tell me to do. We can fight if either doesn’t “listen”, etc. I have been that way but not to an extreme & have been shifting for the last few years, but have maintained some control over my significant other.
I have thought lots about old patterns of jealousy & upset and not speaking up & not being honest and now in this moment recognize that I was manipulative & could claim the victim if things didn’t work out. On this journey I have been introduced to a lot of ways of being that I didn’t even know existed. A lot of labels as well.
Is a relationship two individual people that come together to explore this life or part of this life together and what are the rules around that? With open relationships, polyamory, fluidity, sapiosexuals, and a million other LABELS the evolution of relationship sure looks differentthan what my parents and grandparents partook in. As of late, my idea of the only boundaries being open, honest & transparent communication seems to be what I am seeking. Being a serial monogamous, I am not sure how all the other things would fly with me, but I can imagine that with constant communication anything can either be worked through or explored without ownership or rules by rather with mutual respect and love.
Oh My God!!!!
Today I arrived on the farm. I did not expect this. I was shown to my abode and there were no fucking walls. Open air to the mother fucking jungle. No net on my bed. Listen... 4 weeks ago I had eyelash extensions and a French manicure, 6 weeks ago I had a 3000 square foot home and here I am. Lol.
No Internet, no cell service, no indoor bathrooms, but.... There are composting toilets, nature, and jungle boys.
Pulled 2 cards today - one said go for it, be daring & the other said be healed in nature. Quite the place to come to. No fucking walls. Open air bed. This forest dance could be crazy and insightful and beautiful. Be open. Everything will be fine with kids. You have got this.
***Looking back on this I am astonished. Opportunities came up that I really struggled with and I did go for it and I was daring, but I didn't remember those cards. I was totally healed in nature. Also Summer was travelling to Costa Rica and I was struggling because I couldn't keep in contact and I figured she needed her mommy... But she did fine without me.
Morning here with the neighbours... I fell in love immediately with Michael & Linda... Fresh coffee, guitar, songs, wise words and a heart shaped tub!
Insights from Michael's morning session :
The little voice in me that talks with no sound.
I am not becoming. I am not going anywhere. I am that, whatever that is.
Go from knowing it all to all knowing.
Evening here includes community, amazing food, incense and reading. A book made its way to me called We. Well worth the read. Notes from We :
In the evolution of consciousness our greatest problem is always our richest opportunity.
Zen teaches that inner growth always involves an experience of a red hot coal in the throat. In our development we always come to a problem, an obstacle that goes so deep that we can't swallow and we can't cough it up.
Love is an archetype, it has its own character, it's own traits, it's own personality. Love behaves as a person in the unconscious. Love is distinct from my ego. Love was here before my ego came in to this world. Love will be here after my ego departs. Yet, love is something or someone that lives within me. Therefore, when I say I love, it is not I who love, but in reality love who acts through me. Love is not so much as something I do as something that I am. Love is not a doing but a state of being.
Funny How Things Go...
Funny how things go... Envision Yoga Festival was the first plan I made post decision to sell everything I own after a Clarity Breathwork Session. Kylie Judge & Leah Barsher ran a special session for my clients and invited me to join them at Envision & Forest Dance here in Costa Rica.... without really knowing what they were, I was quick to say yes. They invited me to stay with them in a hostel, my first hostel and I was a bit apprehensive about it, so Kylie introduced me to Denise. Funny enough, Denise MacDonald and I chose to hang out prior to the festival, without ever considering we wouldn't get along.
Today (Feb.25) I was sitting with Denise at my fave little spot in Dominical, where I was breathed back to life. Denise coached me back to reality, thank God. She gave me 2 different analogies that I will share:
#1 was what happened to me. She said it was like the loonie tunes moment when the coyote runs off the cliff and the Road Runner makes him aware that he can't fly... then he looks down and falls hard. From that experience breeds fear and moving forward is halted. WOW!!! That is exactly what happened!!!
#2 was her bungee jumping story. We are so alike. So she tells me about how she was with a group and they decide to get avideo of them jumping. She was afraid, so she went first. She jumped and kind of jumped in a way that when she hit the bottom of the rope it kind of whiplashed her and it didn't feel super great, but she had gone and was all good. At the end, after everyone had jumped, they said, well only one more to go - Denise, it is your turn. Denise was like, no I went first. They apologized, said they didn't get her jump on video and that she needed to jump again (free jump). Because she didn't jump head first, her experience had been jarring and she didn't want to do it again. The second time knowing what to expect... She got all hooked up and then refused to jump, said it was too scary. It became a thing, the line up was getting long and she didn't want to jump, so they called in the calvary. A guy came and sat on theplatform with her and explained that the longer she sat there the stronger the fear in the pit of her stomach would grow and that it would just get worse and that her only option was to jump. So she did. She said the second time was 10x harder to jump than the first time, BUT if she didn't jump, she would be letting fear win & that would seep into her life.
The next lesson that fit in here at this moment was my roommate in the sacred valley. She had been left with debt and worked her ass off for 2 years, working 2 jobs until she paid it off and got to zero.
Denise said usually what gets in people's way are 2 things, #1 not knowing how to start & #2 nerves around going live, being seen, etc. And neither of those are issues for me, so... on top of that I have more ideas and material, so time to go for it.
What came to me in that moment was not leaving Costa Rica, not going back to the jungle and staying here and getting to work. This for me took the focus off of finding a connection with someone and gave me a goal. Work, pay cheap bills, and get that student loan gone. And now I am pumped.
The connection must wait. The connection is just a distraction, I need to be me. To find me. To clean up my biz. To dedicate my time to a consistent routine. To get a schedule. To stop having excuses and yet stop being so hard on myself.
Costa Rica, my love.
Journal Entry - Feb. 24
Off to Costa Rica for a month and on another plane. Thinking of the # of planes I have been on in the last few years is crazy. Lots of thinking happens on travel days. It was just a little over 2 and a half years ago that I hired a coach and set the intention to travel more. And travel I have.
Today I feel anger. It's strong in the pit of my stomach, and I also feel loneliness. I am so angry at Paul OR better stated I feel anger in my body and direct or attach it to Paul. Why? Why did things go this way? Why didn't he do it different? LOL. Like the way I wanted it done? I can only practice the feeling of the feelings and to release my emotions. I can't do anything more than I have already done. And that, I think, is the hardest thing. I have to remember enlightenment - the lessons of the true self, of trust of true, unconditional love, of nothing else mattering. I must let go of all of this attachment I carry and just completely surrender. I must meditate. I must love. I must send Paul love. I am ok. Everything is ok. Everything is going to be ok!
Aya Camp - Big breakthrough!
Wow. Travelled all night to get here. Cusco and then the Sacred Valley. Had a massive breakdown today. Sat in the shower and cried. Had a nap, cried somemore. Total fucking breakdown. I didn't know what to do, under the effects of Medicine and then 8 hours of travelling with the biggest breakdown ever, I literally thought I wouldn't stop crying and would also maybe die (this emotion thing new to me). I started reaching out, trying to distract myself instead of just let it out. Istarted missing the boys from the jungle, started hating it here. Then I reached out to Sarah (a girl that came from the jungle with me). Best move ever. Went to her room and broke the fuck down while she held me. Shared some of my story with her and had the biggest breakthrough!
Just to add to the story, last night I went to see my friends and say goodbye. I ended up in conversation with one that went deep. I talked about wondering if I was addicted to sex, why did I always have this insatiable appetite for it and based all my relationship success in the quantity and quality of relations? B en told me I was more of a love addict than anything. I disagreed. Lol. I don't want love. We talked about meaningless sex being meaningless and a waste of time. He said, trust me darlin, you like the connection.
Back to the breakdown..... I was sharing with Sarah all of the this while she rubbed me and lovedme and held me and I was telling her stories of my past and I could feel a release at my core. My body let go of years and years of holding back, 39 years of tears. At first it felt like death. I was trying to do whatever I could to get away from it and when I listened to my intuition and leaned into it, it was amazing. Deep release. Complete let go.
What came through was the need I don't want to see. The need for touch, love, connection. This is why I have sex. It has been the only time I have allowed others to touch me or me touch others and I crave it, but don't want to admit it. I spend so much time not cuddling, not hugging, not showing affection, not holding hands or even kissing. And I feel deep apologies to all for that - friends, family and partners.
The barriers have been broken. I am open. No need to ever hold back tears again. No need to tense up when someone touches me. No need to not touch. And ask for help! Deep work today.
Aya Camp Entry #2 - All the things
What I wrote after my second ceremony.
This night I journeyed into "All the things."
The medicine came on fast and came on strong. I realized I spend a significant amount of time labelling myself - I am this, I am not that and tonight the labels went away.
I can not really tell you what happened as I could not comprehend the unfolding of events, images and sensations I went through in such a short time (something I will refer to as the terribles, coined by Anton) and then the time loop.
The time loop was like an unfolding and deconstruction of my who and all of my mindless thinking. How hard I truly have to work to NOT know what's going on. How hard I truly have to work in everyday interactions to see a sign or make meaning out of the words and actions of others. How hard I have to work to discover all of the things I already know.
Tonight I discovered CHOICE. Literally everything comes down to choice.
How long will I self destruct? As long as I choose to.
How long will I continue to not have a morning routine or get serious about my business again? As long as I choose to.
How long until I stop beating myself up for my choices?
How long until I choose differently?
How long until I am ok?
How long until I am good enough?
How long until I love myself?
All choice my friend. Last night Ben's words rang so loud in my ears. "You are forgetting about 1 very important person - YOURSELF" and by doing that it's easy to forget that everything is a choice.
This is me
This is me.
No filter. No make up. No eyelash extensions. No gel nails. No faces to cover up my hatred for selfies.
This is the girl I love to hate and hate to love. This is the girl I cover in make up and falseness because I can't seem to find her beauty without it. And right now I just don't want to do that anymore.
Right now I base my worth on what others say about me, not what I see when I look in the mirror or just feel as a sense of self.
This is me raw and unapologetic in this moment. The one afraid she will be alone or dating for the rest of her adult life. Afraid to be seen as she truly is, with stretch marks and a chubby belly and no thigh gap. Afraid her perfect partner will be disgusted by how she presents physically.
This is me.
So yesterday was a big day. The start of the retreat. We were to all meet up for the shuttle. There we all get to check each other out, size each other up and see who we are with for thenext at least 7 days. Well of course my group is the coolest. 2 ex-navy seals, an expert in artificial emotional intelligence, a married couple from California, 2 cute boys fromOntario, a sweetheart on his 40th+ journey and the coolest chick I could dare to hang out with, with 5 more people to meet at the centre.
2 hours of driving through the country side, with the best meal ever and then 1.5 hours by boat on the largest river I have ever seen. Good conversation and deep connection right off the bat and a fuck ton of laughs. I nicknamed3people immediately. Lol.
We arrived at this isolated village on stilts to music and dancers. It was surreal. Intros, orientation, our rooms and food! We heard about kambo and what that ceremony would look like at 6am and finished the day off with a nunu ceremony. Wow.
Spiders, mosquitoes and then crazy rain throughout the night meant barley any sleep. Upat sunrise for the kambo. Wow. Again. I think I know what death feels like, lol. A bit of purgingand everyone says I look like a different person.... Hmmm.
A one on one with the shamans where I share my deepest traumas and history and ayahauscaceremony #1 tonight. Anticipation without expectation. A difficult space to hold. Tonight is establishing a connection with the medicine. Wish me luck, let's hope she likes me. ❤️
Landing in Peru
After 22 hours of travel,I landed in Iquitos, I left the airport in a tuk tuk, and as I sat in the 35• weather headed to town and checked out the scenery, it finally it hit me. Here I am doing this alone. I travel alone quite regularly, but often to meet people. Go on a retreat with friends or to Tony Robbins where I know people, and, I am going on a retreat and meeting with people in Costa Ricabut at this moment the reality of everything that has been building for the last 6 months came to light.
I talked with so many single travellers, all male. Everyone surprised by my journey mainly because of my vagina. Well fuck it (but not really because the ayahausca diet forbids it for 2 weeks prior, during and 2 weeks after lol). I am detoxing here with no coffee, or sugar, or dairy, or as mentioned sex OR alcohol. And other than the dull headache, I feel... I don't want to fill in anymore because I think that sentence says more than any label could. I feel.
A newer feeling for me. Feeling in general. And those of you that knew me even a year ago knew I didn't even feel comfortable with physical touch. I would rather not hug or cuddle or hold hands and now here I am. The hugger with emotions lol... Wtf?
As I talk to more people and hear about their experiences with the medicine, the anticipation right now is at an all time high. I literally can not wait to get to the jungle. I have to remind myself to stay present. To enjoy the cooking. * cooking is what happens basically from the time that you make the decision to partake in the medicine, it's literally all of your shit starting to boil to the surface * And that has been happening to me and I am well aware of it. The closer to the time of actual ingestion, the more intense.
When I was in Chilliwack last weekend there was a lot for me to stew about. One thing that stands out is my issues around rejection and how I let that effect me. In fact, in sharing, I recognized how it effects most people (I want to say everyone but God knows there will be that one person in denial). The fear of rejection seems to stop us from reaching out to others and saying the things that we really want to say. What I've recognized is that it's a pitiful excuse. To not tell someone you like them or love them because you are afraid they won't say the same back is also bottling your emotions. And it causes stress, emotional pain and, eventually, physical ailments. Add up all the things you haven't said in your life (both positive and negative) and tell me your healthy, lol.
I know I said fuck it last weekend. I reached out to my mom a while ago, I cyber-stalked a cute boy and called him, I told almost every person in my life I loved them and I have shared a bit of my upset with those I needed to (carefully as that can be a slippery slope of blame as opposed to personal responsibility). Let me tell you, not one of those things worked out the way I wanted them to. Lol. Not one. All of them went in the way of rejection. My Mom has not responded when I thought she would jump all over it, the boy didn't meet me and no one said sorry or owned their shit with explanation. Fuck.
But I did it anyway and I didn't make it mean anything about me. Because really I think that is what we are worried about,right? If I say I love you and you don't say it back, that means I am unloveable. If I chase after that boy or girl and they don't like me back that means I am ugly or fat or insert your flaws here. And it's not the truth. What is the truth you ask? The truth is objective and without emotion. The truth is you said I love you to someone and they didn't say it back. That's it. It doesn't mean you are unloveable or even that they don't love you back, you never know what is going on with someone else, it just means at that moment, they didn't say it back.
So fuck rejection. Seriously. You know I speak on living out of your comfort zone.... Well that doesn't mean sell everything you own and move to the jungle, it just means say something that scares you, everyday. Or start with once a week. Say I love you or no or yes or hi, my name is. Feel the fear and do it anyway.