Up until recently, every relationship I have been in has been about ownership. Being together means property. This means I get to tell you what to do and I have to listen or not, to what you tell me to do. We can fight if either doesn’t “listen”, etc. I have been that way but not to an extreme & have been shifting for the last few years, but have maintained some control over my significant other.
I have thought lots about old patterns of jealousy & upset and not speaking up & not being honest and now in this moment recognize that I was manipulative & could claim the victim if things didn’t work out. On this journey I have been introduced to a lot of ways of being that I didn’t even know existed. A lot of labels as well.
Is a relationship two individual people that come together to explore this life or part of this life together and what are the rules around that? With open relationships, polyamory, fluidity, sapiosexuals, and a million other LABELS the evolution of relationship sure looks differentthan what my parents and grandparents partook in. As of late, my idea of the only boundaries being open, honest & transparent communication seems to be what I am seeking. Being a serial monogamous, I am not sure how all the other things would fly with me, but I can imagine that with constant communication anything can either be worked through or explored without ownership or rules by rather with mutual respect and love.
Best Date Ever
Today fate put me in a car from the farm to Jaco to meet my babies with yet another interesting and beautiful creature so full of lessons. My drive to Jaco with Pat was yet another, super clear sign from the universe.
The farm was so amazing and healing. On my last day I was taken on a beautiful jungle date to a river confluence and was shown enlightenment with a different medicine. Love & nature. The conversation that took place on the big rock on the bank of the river was the most powerful and insightful conversation I may have ever partaken in. What I heard was that I am so perfectly imperfect just the way I am and that my expectations around self love will continue to leave me disappointed. That the more I keep searching, the more I will discover I don't have and therefore will continue to search and not find and nothing, no one, especially me, will ever be good enough. That the intention to search outward is enough to say that I don't know, I don't have the answers and therefore will forever quest for the right answer. I cried and I truly saw nature and myself for what we truly are. I also saw another person as they truly are. Divine & beautiful & authentic and real <3
Back to my drive... I was attached to what my next direction would be and the conversation on our drive really showed me that I am going in a different direction. What I recognized was that I am unattaching from material things and really starting to attach to the feelings & experiences and then want to make or stay in the moment. But the truth I need to see is that the experience happens and I try to hold on and make that the thing. And unattachment is the practice, as well as trusting and allowing. So... how can I take the lessons & experiences & let them go, holding the experience & memories & continuing to take what comes to me as it comes to me?
Oh My God!!!!
Today I arrived on the farm. I did not expect this. I was shown to my abode and there were no fucking walls. Open air to the mother fucking jungle. No net on my bed. Listen... 4 weeks ago I had eyelash extensions and a French manicure, 6 weeks ago I had a 3000 square foot home and here I am. Lol.
No Internet, no cell service, no indoor bathrooms, but.... There are composting toilets, nature, and jungle boys.
Pulled 2 cards today - one said go for it, be daring & the other said be healed in nature. Quite the place to come to. No fucking walls. Open air bed. This forest dance could be crazy and insightful and beautiful. Be open. Everything will be fine with kids. You have got this.
***Looking back on this I am astonished. Opportunities came up that I really struggled with and I did go for it and I was daring, but I didn't remember those cards. I was totally healed in nature. Also Summer was travelling to Costa Rica and I was struggling because I couldn't keep in contact and I figured she needed her mommy... But she did fine without me.
Morning here with the neighbours... I fell in love immediately with Michael & Linda... Fresh coffee, guitar, songs, wise words and a heart shaped tub!
Insights from Michael's morning session :
The little voice in me that talks with no sound.
I am not becoming. I am not going anywhere. I am that, whatever that is.
Go from knowing it all to all knowing.
Evening here includes community, amazing food, incense and reading. A book made its way to me called We. Well worth the read. Notes from We :
In the evolution of consciousness our greatest problem is always our richest opportunity.
Zen teaches that inner growth always involves an experience of a red hot coal in the throat. In our development we always come to a problem, an obstacle that goes so deep that we can't swallow and we can't cough it up.
Love is an archetype, it has its own character, it's own traits, it's own personality. Love behaves as a person in the unconscious. Love is distinct from my ego. Love was here before my ego came in to this world. Love will be here after my ego departs. Yet, love is something or someone that lives within me. Therefore, when I say I love, it is not I who love, but in reality love who acts through me. Love is not so much as something I do as something that I am. Love is not a doing but a state of being.
8 hours of Yoga!
Mar. 3 - journal entry
Sitting with Harry and Denise, I was listening to them speak to being in a place of contentment. Not complacent, yet also not looking to devote their time at present to healing... As they feel in a good place at the moment AND both are single. The lesson? I am there, I just needed to realize it AND it is time to integrate all that I have learned.
Mar. 4 - journal entry
Struggling with this group mentality. Feeling like I don't fit in. Not a new story forme. It feels like no one cares about what I have to say. What I have recognized from this particular set of interactions though is that some people are just not my people. And some are. But the story I tell tends to be that I don't belong in most groups that I run in... This is why I call myself a Weirdo.... This is why I am short on close friends, I have but a few. And I could look at this differently as well, it doesn't have to be a bad thing.... And I don't think I am wrongabout how I feel. I want to be close with peeps and it just doesn't vibe. I guess I just keep looking for my tribe without judgement.
Later insight to this: what I realized is, I already have people. Why do I need to go across the world to find more? Love who and what I have with the ones in my life now! Appreciate them and stop trying to find more, I do already have so much.
Mar.1 - Journal Entry
Yesterday was a day of insights. I did over 8 hours of yoga. Over 3.5 hours of physical asana & 2.5 hours of dancing and then ended with an astral projection meditation. What I recognized was more worth issues around the actions I have been taking in my personal & professional life. I see the impact that it has on me vibrationally to be with a person that has a partner. AND without anger, I see the way they are using me to feel better about themselves by bringing me into their entanglement.
I see how not being number 1 or the one or the next main interest is a cop out for me. I don't have to put myself out there. I can always blame any rejection on outside circumstances & yet... it decreases and impacts my self worth even more because I am the other. I am allowing myself to be used. I have been doing it unconsciously - aware that there may be another person involved in this energetic exchange, but putting that responsibility on the person I am with. My friend Denise pointed out though, that if we are all one and I am skirting the responsibility of finding out this person has a partner or if I am aware that there is another... this impacts us all... Deeply! We are to raise each other up, not tear each other down.
Today I take responsibility... AND I see my worth.
Feb. 27 - Integrity
More conversations with Denise, bringing me closer to my true essence. At this moment, the conversation revolves around integrity. To be honest and admit to something that I don't love admitting to, I have cheated on almost every person I have ever been in relationship with. I know. Harsh.
I pride myself on saying I don't lie & again, when it comes down to being honest with myself, I must say that I have really discovered a way to push the boundaries in pretty much everything that I do. When it comes to honesty, what I have done all my life is basically tell the person the answer to the question that they asked and nothing more. So basically, if you don't ask theright question, you may not get the full answer. I will leave parts out so I don't have to listen to bitching or say some pieces of the story (unless asked) that would upset the other. And as I grow and learn, I am realizing it is dishonest to live that way and therefore, I am out of Integrity.
Even further on this growth journey, I am starting to recognize the ways I have been skirting the boundaries of integrity with other people and my relationships. For example, if I choose to date someone and have an idea that they might be involved with someone else - I have seriously just thought that it is on them... but as conversations have shown me lately, that is not true. It is a cop out and I am out of Integrity.
And so this week has brought me to recognize and finally admit it. I am out of Integrity. I have lied. I have cheated. I have done so many things that are considered sins and I no longer want to be who I am. I want a foundation of integrity in which I build my life, my business, my relationships, my life - Built on Integrity. Considering my recent visit to rock bottom, the most stable ground to build on. Integrity is the foundation, the base I pour as I continue to build.
Funny How Things Go...
Funny how things go... Envision Yoga Festival was the first plan I made post decision to sell everything I own after a Clarity Breathwork Session. Kylie Judge & Leah Barsher ran a special session for my clients and invited me to join them at Envision & Forest Dance here in Costa Rica.... without really knowing what they were, I was quick to say yes. They invited me to stay with them in a hostel, my first hostel and I was a bit apprehensive about it, so Kylie introduced me to Denise. Funny enough, Denise MacDonald and I chose to hang out prior to the festival, without ever considering we wouldn't get along.
Today (Feb.25) I was sitting with Denise at my fave little spot in Dominical, where I was breathed back to life. Denise coached me back to reality, thank God. She gave me 2 different analogies that I will share:
#1 was what happened to me. She said it was like the loonie tunes moment when the coyote runs off the cliff and the Road Runner makes him aware that he can't fly... then he looks down and falls hard. From that experience breeds fear and moving forward is halted. WOW!!! That is exactly what happened!!!
#2 was her bungee jumping story. We are so alike. So she tells me about how she was with a group and they decide to get avideo of them jumping. She was afraid, so she went first. She jumped and kind of jumped in a way that when she hit the bottom of the rope it kind of whiplashed her and it didn't feel super great, but she had gone and was all good. At the end, after everyone had jumped, they said, well only one more to go - Denise, it is your turn. Denise was like, no I went first. They apologized, said they didn't get her jump on video and that she needed to jump again (free jump). Because she didn't jump head first, her experience had been jarring and she didn't want to do it again. The second time knowing what to expect... She got all hooked up and then refused to jump, said it was too scary. It became a thing, the line up was getting long and she didn't want to jump, so they called in the calvary. A guy came and sat on theplatform with her and explained that the longer she sat there the stronger the fear in the pit of her stomach would grow and that it would just get worse and that her only option was to jump. So she did. She said the second time was 10x harder to jump than the first time, BUT if she didn't jump, she would be letting fear win & that would seep into her life.
The next lesson that fit in here at this moment was my roommate in the sacred valley. She had been left with debt and worked her ass off for 2 years, working 2 jobs until she paid it off and got to zero.
Denise said usually what gets in people's way are 2 things, #1 not knowing how to start & #2 nerves around going live, being seen, etc. And neither of those are issues for me, so... on top of that I have more ideas and material, so time to go for it.
What came to me in that moment was not leaving Costa Rica, not going back to the jungle and staying here and getting to work. This for me took the focus off of finding a connection with someone and gave me a goal. Work, pay cheap bills, and get that student loan gone. And now I am pumped.
The connection must wait. The connection is just a distraction, I need to be me. To find me. To clean up my biz. To dedicate my time to a consistent routine. To get a schedule. To stop having excuses and yet stop being so hard on myself.