Today I Ate an Ant

Mar.6 - Journal Entry

Summer Vosburgh is travelling today. My thoughts go to her. Sitting here with no internet, I just trust. Funny how it happened, seems perfect. AND scary. Denise is gone and my neighbours leave tonight. Some nerves happening for me about being alone. Again, more of what I need.

Mar.10 - Journal Entry

Forest dance. Hmmmm. What can I say about ceremonial fire dancing in the forest from midnight until sun rise? Can I not get into it because I invited someone in? Hmmmm.

I think back to when I said yes to this, to forest dance. I had no idea what it was or what would happen. When I got here, my initial thought was, what the fuck did I sign up for? I tried to blame Kylie Judge & Leah Barsher, but they wouldn't let me get away with that. I was like, what did you get me into & Kylie was like, dude - I remember suggesting it and you said yes before I even finished my sentence... so what did you get yourself into. LOL.

What this brings up for me is this interesting relationship we hold with fear and with trying to make everything perfect. If Iknew what Forest Dance was, I would not have gone AND even in going, I was uncomfortable and can't quite tell you if I loved it, but the experience was one of the best experiences of my life. I am so glad I said yes. Big lessons.

The people and community are amazing and the lessons rich in every person I experienced. Some insight: What would it be like to be in a body that doesn't really reflect who you are, but yet still does so fully? Like on a big level? When I think of stretch marks or the things I have hated on my body, it feels like it has become something I have just grasped onto to hate myself. The insights so beautiful, this place incredibly healing, conversations so deep.

Such a contrast with the connections placed in front of me thus far. Ben, Sean Webb, Doug, Heather A Longway, Beth N Brandon Steele, Chris Olsen, Evan Renaerts, Angel Ricardo Quiñones, Sara & Jon, Harry Judge, Denise MacDonald, John Judge, Kylie Judge, Leah Barsher, Shaneward Wilington, Cher Bear, Esperanza Yennie, Terry Tomei, Mollie Butler, Olivia Blue, Jason Cohen, Jason Bliss, Bodhi Michael, Jessica Lee Filkins, Karen Gordon, Rudy Pila, Hollis Taylor, Bright Hawk, Baba St. Aubin, Luke DeStefano, Sarah Bista, Ult Mundane, Ashley Berry, Tish Natashia Steenkamp, Whitney Salvador Lmt, Melodie Fallon, Ana Nephilim, Allison Waggener, Sarah Marie Echsner, Iya Soro, Joy Massicotte, and anyone else that is not my FB friend... and was in those two retreats... The lessons have been so rich and conversations so deep and I am left integrating, processing and a completely different person, yet still the same.

What comes up so fully for me is expectation, appreciation, gratefulness, faith, and love. My interactions with others are showing me more about people and the the types of people I am currently attracting, which is so great in addition to those already in my life I hold the intention to continue to attract more in this mindset, more that hold deep lessons and connection, more that can help me to guide myself even further.

PS - Today I ate an ant.

My Worth

Mar.1 - Journal Entry

Yesterday was a day of insights. I did over 8 hours of yoga. Over 3.5 hours of physical asana & 2.5 hours of dancing and then ended with an astral projection meditation. What I recognized was more worth issues around the actions I have been taking in my personal & professional life. I see the impact that it has on me vibrationally to be with a person that has a partner. AND without anger, I see the way they are using me to feel better about themselves by bringing me into their entanglement.

I see how not being number 1 or the one or the next main interest is a cop out for me. I don't have to put myself out there. I can always blame any rejection on outside circumstances & yet... it decreases and impacts my self worth even more because I am the other. I am allowing myself to be used. I have been doing it unconsciously - aware that there may be another person involved in this energetic exchange, but putting that responsibility on the person I am with. My friend Denise pointed out though, that if we are all one and I am skirting the responsibility of finding out this person has a partner or if I am aware that there is another... this impacts us all... Deeply! We are to raise each other up, not tear each other down.

Today I take responsibility... AND I see my worth.

Funny How Things Go...

Funny how things go... Envision Yoga Festival was the first plan I made post decision to sell everything I own after a Clarity Breathwork Session. Kylie Judge & Leah Barsher ran a special session for my clients and invited me to join them at Envision & Forest Dance here in Costa Rica.... without really knowing what they were, I was quick to say yes. They invited me to stay with them in a hostel, my first hostel and I was a bit apprehensive about it, so Kylie introduced me to Denise. Funny enough, Denise MacDonald and I chose to hang out prior to the festival, without ever considering we wouldn't get along.

Today (Feb.25) I was sitting with Denise at my fave little spot in Dominical, where I was breathed back to life. Denise coached me back to reality, thank God. She gave me 2 different analogies that I will share:

#1 was what happened to me. She said it was like the loonie tunes moment when the coyote runs off the cliff and the Road Runner makes him aware that he can't fly... then he looks down and falls hard. From that experience breeds fear and moving forward is halted. WOW!!! That is exactly what happened!!!

#2 was her bungee jumping story. We are so alike. So she tells me about how she was with a group and they decide to get avideo of them jumping. She was afraid, so she went first. She jumped and kind of jumped in a way that when she hit the bottom of the rope it kind of whiplashed her and it didn't feel super great, but she had gone and was all good. At the end, after everyone had jumped, they said, well only one more to go - Denise, it is your turn. Denise was like, no I went first. They apologized, said they didn't get her jump on video and that she needed to jump again (free jump). Because she didn't jump head first, her experience had been jarring and she didn't want to do it again. The second time knowing what to expect... She got all hooked up and then refused to jump, said it was too scary. It became a thing, the line up was getting long and she didn't want to jump, so they called in the calvary. A guy came and sat on theplatform with her and explained that the longer she sat there the stronger the fear in the pit of her stomach would grow and that it would just get worse and that her only option was to jump. So she did. She said the second time was 10x harder to jump than the first time, BUT if she didn't jump, she would be letting fear win & that would seep into her life.

The next lesson that fit in here at this moment was my roommate in the sacred valley. She had been left with debt and worked her ass off for 2 years, working 2 jobs until she paid it off and got to zero.

Denise said usually what gets in people's way are 2 things, #1 not knowing how to start & #2 nerves around going live, being seen, etc. And neither of those are issues for me, so... on top of that I have more ideas and material, so time to go for it.

What came to me in that moment was not leaving Costa Rica, not going back to the jungle and staying here and getting to work. This for me took the focus off of finding a connection with someone and gave me a goal. Work, pay cheap bills, and get that student loan gone. And now I am pumped.

The connection must wait. The connection is just a distraction, I need to be me. To find me. To clean up my biz. To dedicate my time to a consistent routine. To get a schedule. To stop having excuses and yet stop being so hard on myself.

Aya Camp Entry #7?

Ceremony #7
A perfect end. After the usual terrifying piece, all calmed. I built a world under blankets and felt all the sensations - Visual, auditory & physical. Overwhelming sensations. Why does it have to be so terrible? I talk myself through it. What comes to me now is this trouble I have with control. My need to know who, what, why, where & when & most of all - HOW?

She takes away my control & takes me to the 5th dimension. A place where you can feel the inside of your body, where you are not separate from anything. Being so significance driven & so control & outcome focused, this world would be terrifying.

Last night was the first time I asked for help. Assistance to the bathroom, where I was able to find this world. The present. Then back to my mat for love. My reflections on my sapo experience & this feeling of overwhelming gratitude. Gratitude, firstly for my family - the Frik-Shuhn family. The people that give a shit, that read my posts and support and loveme, just as I am. Then I moved to the people in the room. The group. Such immense love for everyone in their processes. So beautiful, so much love. Then to Sean & Ben & Doug. So in love with these men. Words I needed to hear post Sapo. That they give a shit. That they love me. Broken, collecting all the pieces off the floor, ready to put them all back together one day soon.

Enlightenment

Before enlightenment - chop the wood, carry the wood, stack the wood. After enlightenment - chop the wood, carry the wood, stack the wood.

It feels weird to say, but today I hit enlightenment. Years of being so hard on myself, I cried for. Years. Like all of my years. All the pressure I have put on myself. Dissolved. Trust. I haveto trust. The flow of everything. I had a taste of it.

We walk in, get santoed and then get comfy. Angel my guide. He says trust. I do. And he sends me to a place where nothing matters anymore, last of all my judgements of myself or anyone else. Years of baggage released. Years of harshness and making meaning and playing games. Am I here forever? Did I pass through and leave my body? I wish LOL.

I have never cried so hard. Not only this week, but in this ceremony. I felt it. Complete andunconditional love for myself, for the perfection I am. Completely broke through. Deserving. Worthy. Open. Loved. Loving. Nothing matters, least of all the constraints I have put on myself. So much hatred released.

One more aya ceremony.....

*** it felt amazing to hit enlightenment. It is a state I have only dreamed about. Itwas beautiful and I thought I hi t samadhi and was never to return. And that was not the truth here's the thing: after hitting that reality, one must come back to this reality. So quickly the veil is returned. Slowly added back. Skinny. Beauty. Finances. That place is beautiful and perfect but the real work takes place here.

❤️????

The Sweat aka Temazcal

The SWEAT The TEMAZCAL

MY intention : to find the strength to carry on and finish the 2 hour ceremony and carry that strength into my life.

Analogy : I was shown me walking through an abyss of dark just r eaching out to grab whatever I can hold onto. BUT in the SWEAT it represents the same and I didn't grab out for anything. I stayed close to the fire. I didn't drink water. I made it. It did feel like a rebirth. I can only do what I can do. And go as far as I can go. I am so strong. Not sure why I forget that. From childhood all the way to now. And I just keep trying to do better, not seeing all that I have already done.

I was reborn.

Aya Camp Entry #4 -

Ceremony #4

Journal entry :
Judgement. Inner monologue. Hatred. Failure. The last 3 ceremonies have been exactly the same but completely different. Everything highlighting this crazy war I have going on 24/7 with myself. The blame for not loving me shifts from one worthy opponent to another. For so long the physical aspectof me. All parts. The mirror my favourite companion to pick out daily every single one of my million flaws. I was so focused externally that I have allowed myself, my inner dialogue to beat the fuck out of me, and not subtly.

My curse is guilt. The catalyst is failure. This voice in my head relentless. What a fuck up you are. Said in so many different ways. All these feelings brought to the surface, left to boil for the next few days of travel. How can I find balance in all of this? This entire journey has come to a place of exhaustion.

Acceptance. Love. Integration. Deep deep down, I know I am ok. I just feel weary. And this leg of the journey has just begun.

Aya Camp Entry #2 - All the things

What I wrote after my second ceremony.

This night I journeyed into "All the things."

The medicine came on fast and came on strong. I realized I spend a significant amount of time labelling myself - I am this, I am not that and tonight the labels went away.

I can not really tell you what happened as I could not comprehend the unfolding of events, images and sensations I went through in such a short time (something I will refer to as the terribles, coined by Anton) and then the time loop.

The time loop was like an unfolding and deconstruction of my who and all of my mindless thinking. How hard I truly have to work to NOT know what's going on. How hard I truly have to work in everyday interactions to see a sign or make meaning out of the words and actions of others. How hard I have to work to discover all of the things I already know.

Tonight I discovered CHOICE. Literally everything comes down to choice.

How long will I self destruct? As long as I choose to.

How long will I continue to not have a morning routine or get serious about my business again? As long as I choose to.

How long until I stop beating myself up for my choices?

How long until I choose differently?

How long until I am ok?

How long until I am good enough?

How long until I love myself?

All choice my friend. Last night Ben's words rang so loud in my ears. "You are forgetting about 1 very important person - YOURSELF" and by doing that it's easy to forget that everything is a choice.

Ayahuasca Camp Journal Entry #1

This is from my journal the day after my first journey.

5 years ago ish, I had an urge. A crazy urged to head to the jungle to drink jungle juice and find and connect to a deeper part of my soul. Last night that dream came true. I have spent the last 5 years full of anticipation and trying to stave off expectation.

Last night I drank the bitter brew and meet the grandmother I have been fantasizing about for years and I was so happy to meet her. The journey was long and beautiful and mild and expelatory. I went to many surface areas of my mind and the answers were thrown at me immediately. Lose the princess and find the Queen. Let go of your falsities and love who and what you are just as you are. Own your greatness and stop searching for your purpose. You already hold it, you already know it, now do it.

And take that shit off your face. Stop the eyelashes, the nails, the makeup, get dirty, enjoy nature and remember who you are. Stop searching ~ for you, for your purpose, for the answers, for your life partner, for meaning in everything. ENJOY ~ the world around you, life, your adventure, your children and your work.

Nobody ever said it would be easy, they just said it would be worth it.