Mar.6 - Journal Entry
Summer Vosburgh is travelling today. My thoughts go to her. Sitting here with no internet, I just trust. Funny how it happened, seems perfect. AND scary. Denise is gone and my neighbours leave tonight. Some nerves happening for me about being alone. Again, more of what I need.
Mar.10 - Journal Entry
Forest dance. Hmmmm. What can I say about ceremonial fire dancing in the forest from midnight until sun rise? Can I not get into it because I invited someone in? Hmmmm.
I think back to when I said yes to this, to forest dance. I had no idea what it was or what would happen. When I got here, my initial thought was, what the fuck did I sign up for? I tried to blame Kylie Judge & Leah Barsher, but they wouldn't let me get away with that. I was like, what did you get me into & Kylie was like, dude - I remember suggesting it and you said yes before I even finished my sentence... so what did you get yourself into. LOL.
What this brings up for me is this interesting relationship we hold with fear and with trying to make everything perfect. If Iknew what Forest Dance was, I would not have gone AND even in going, I was uncomfortable and can't quite tell you if I loved it, but the experience was one of the best experiences of my life. I am so glad I said yes. Big lessons.
The people and community are amazing and the lessons rich in every person I experienced. Some insight: What would it be like to be in a body that doesn't really reflect who you are, but yet still does so fully? Like on a big level? When I think of stretch marks or the things I have hated on my body, it feels like it has become something I have just grasped onto to hate myself. The insights so beautiful, this place incredibly healing, conversations so deep.
Such a contrast with the connections placed in front of me thus far. Ben, Sean Webb, Doug, Heather A Longway, Beth N Brandon Steele, Chris Olsen, Evan Renaerts, Angel Ricardo Quiñones, Sara & Jon, Harry Judge, Denise MacDonald, John Judge, Kylie Judge, Leah Barsher, Shaneward Wilington, Cher Bear, Esperanza Yennie, Terry Tomei, Mollie Butler, Olivia Blue, Jason Cohen, Jason Bliss, Bodhi Michael, Jessica Lee Filkins, Karen Gordon, Rudy Pila, Hollis Taylor, Bright Hawk, Baba St. Aubin, Luke DeStefano, Sarah Bista, Ult Mundane, Ashley Berry, Tish Natashia Steenkamp, Whitney Salvador Lmt, Melodie Fallon, Ana Nephilim, Allison Waggener, Sarah Marie Echsner, Iya Soro, Joy Massicotte, and anyone else that is not my FB friend... and was in those two retreats... The lessons have been so rich and conversations so deep and I am left integrating, processing and a completely different person, yet still the same.
What comes up so fully for me is expectation, appreciation, gratefulness, faith, and love. My interactions with others are showing me more about people and the the types of people I am currently attracting, which is so great in addition to those already in my life I hold the intention to continue to attract more in this mindset, more that hold deep lessons and connection, more that can help me to guide myself even further.
PS - Today I ate an ant.
The End of this Medicine!
Journal Entry - Feb. 23
San Pedro was yesterday. Such a beautiful medicine & my crazy, kick ass, hero dosing body has become uber sensitive. Everything was so beautiful yesterday. Thelagoon, the people, life. And I had too much, LOL! I craved touch yesterday so deeply & longed for connection. I felt like I didn't quite connect with the group even though I really wanted to. The group felt younger than me, there for different reasons. I felt I didn't fit in. This isnot a new fee ling for me. I feel I don't fit in quite often.
What I do see is that constant want to be liked, by everybody, all the time. And the truth is, it's just not possible. It's not real. This part of the journey gave me more of a chance to sit, to reflect, to feel lonely. Something I needed, but didn't necessarily want.
The lessons are rich and all around, ripe for the taking. I just have to open up tothem & also remember them! The journey is not ending, but rather continuing and I can't help reflect on how deep this medicine has truly helped me to heal myself. Kambo, 7 ayahausca, 2 sapo, a sweat, san pedro & rape (chill it is like snuff with an accented e but don't know how to do that... :0). 30 years of trauma release & nervous system detox - crying, shaking, journeying, purging, connecting, loving, journalling & travel. 10 years of therapy in 2 weeks. Now off to Costa Rica for a month!!!!
Aya Camp Entry #3 - Rock Bottom
What I wrote after ceremony #3.
Yesterday was the most beautiful Valentine's day I have ever had. I officiallyunboycott the day as it now has so much more meaning. How beautiful an annual reminder of the day I fell in love with myself. The day I saw my worth. The day I came to grips with the beauty I truly hold inside.
Last night I embarked on a journey with this amazing plant as my guide. I dive bombed a cannon ball into the deepest pit of despair and officially hit rock bottom. On the way down, the haunting visions of all that I have refused to feel or admit or touch on were pushing me down further until finally I was an egg, cracked open, yoke broken. RAW & VULNERABLE until my ego finally admitted defeat.
I did it. I asked for help. Lef t at the bottom of the deepest crack this earth has, I wondered, "Now what?" How can this cracked egg navigate the world? Guided and surrounded by the 3 beautiful shamans and their ancient wisdom, I started to build and climb. The most solid foundation is built from rock bottom.
I made my way back to the top. My fears & worries were not victors or foes but rather allies & friends guiding me here. To this moment in time. With these people. At this place. On valentine's day. The fears needed to be seen and acknowledged and no longer pushed away. Self love is not what I thought it was. Not as I expected. I have found new respect for the word discipline and the importance of its presence in my life. I have also forgiven myself for everything. I have healed to the core of my being. I recognize there is a path and I am so glad to continue to walk it. To hit all the monuments and attractions along the way.
I have agonized that this was the biggest mistake I have ever made in my life. Leaving Paul,selling everything I own with no end goal other than faith, love and gratefulness. To leave my girls, to be so selfish, to keep doing it despite nagging and relentless voices telling me I'm crazy. Greedy. A piece of shit. Last night I saw the best decision I have every made.
My purpose is to be. I touch others at a soul level and now own that. I connect. I love. Again arriving to my path. Truly embodying that the end of the path is not what I am searching for, but rather the journey. I have been walking by the roses for so many years. And finally, their aroma is slowing me down, seducing me and having me look around. I have arrived, truly, in this moment.
This is how I feel today as I sit at the airport, ready to fly!
Today I set off for who knows how long. To go do who knows what, who knows where lol. Well I know a bit. Tomorrow at this time I will be landing in Iquitos, Peru. I will be whisked off into the Amazon for an incredible journey into myself. As mentioned I have battled loneliness and just want to let it go. I want to love ME as much as I loved Paul when I met him. And I will. In fact I sometimes wonder if just by setting that intention, I already do.
Sitting here at Vino Volo, not drinking wine and just wanting to be in Peru already I am reminded about the journey in general. In life, and in flight, it's important not to forget about how important the journey is.
This morning on the ferry I met a woman that I talked to for the entire ferry ride. She was older, super kind and had experienced very little trauma in her life. She was a wealth of positive knowledge and she reminded me of realities I sometimes forget about because I don't often intact with them. I would have missed her if I was in a hurry.
So I imagine there will be some interesting posts to come, but for now you get a goodbye. And a nervous smile. ❤️
I needed a ride to the ferry a month ago and was at a loss for who to ask. All my friends are busy, have their own lives and are often business oriented - meaning the reason I know them is because of my work. I definitely learned 2 things. I have trouble asking for help and looking back I have not fostered my friendships.
This whole divorce thing has been hard but also very great for clearing space in my life. At first my partner was reaching out to anyone that would listen and filling them with some pretty good stories. I watched my friend count on Facebook drop and some followers on Instagram disappear. Even some family went to the dark side, lol. I went quiet. I went inside. I drank Prosecco. And that is when it hit me. Everything has been about business for me. The reason I knew I was losing friends was a number on social media, not anything to do with physical reality. This made me take a long, hard look at everything, including my business.
By letting people go and healing some energy leaks with important people in my life, I started to clear space. I recognized the friends I do have and started to attract some new ones. This weekend I came home to teach some classes and ended up getting offers to stay with my amazing students (and friends) and at first just kept saying no. I felt guilty imposing. But Erika basically told me I was staying with her and I have to be honest, I was relieved. We stayed up late talking, had morning coffee staring onto the lake, talking, and just plain enjoyed each others company.
I take away from this the beautiful and feminine skill of receiving. I have resisted accepting help from others for so long. What up with that? I definitely don't mind helping but receiving, unless you're helping me move I don't need anything. Yet, here I am. Homeless, carless, and therefore in need of assistance. I am so grateful for everyone. Everyone that encourages me in continuing to post my most vulnerable feelings and realizations. I am grateful for those that won't let me be without shelter. To Tim for lending me a car! And to each and every one of you for your support and encouragement.
I think of that quote, "No one ever said it would be easy, they just said it would be worth it." Amen.
Today I am headed to the mainland to teach some yoga!!!!! Yes!!!! At Oxygen Yoga and Fitness Chilliwack both tonight and tomorrow night. And it is just what I need, because today “I Got Served” with divorce papers.
This is not a sad day, it is actually a great day. I have been married to the father of mychildren for 14 really great years. Our marriage, I believe, has been happier than many, mainly because we haven’t been together for most of those years. Our marriage has saved me from marrying other people, most importantly. We have also supported each other through countless breakups, daily drama and most importantly co-parented 2 really fucking amazing and phenomenal children. And it is coming to an end. It’s like another huge step on this really crazy journey.
What could the lesson be here? Letting go. Closing a door on one thing to open it up for another. I am afraid to fill this empty partner spot right now, but what I am figuring out is that I never really emptied it. I have kept it half filled with this marriage, with who I needed at the time and now it is time to clear the space.
In the meantime I have had such a great time here on the island. Connecting with my family-both assigned and chosen. I am so in love with the choices I am making, as lonely and scary as them sometimes feel.
From Bali to Big Lake. What an incredible journey. From +25 C to -9 C. So many incredible lessons along the way, in fact it feels like they just keep a comin. Today I speak to my perception of control & stability.
I came back from Bali so I could finalize the sale of the house. One more interaction with the man that has been my partner for the past 10 years and I felt like there would be more closure. A quick deposit of our money and he tells me to have a good trip and gone. Just like that. I expected more (lol back to the post on expectations). I sat in my car and recognized my want for control. I recognized that 5 months has passed since my decision to end our relationship and in creeps the sensations I have labelled as unstable. No home, no partner, no job (in the conventional definition) and according to Maselow that means I am fucked. I default that moment to drinks!!!!! Drinks bring my drinking partner and I to the brilliant idea of driving through a snow storm to see my bestie Amy with my bupbups, Summer.
Driving proves to be a thing on its own. Who is going to do it? What does it feel like to sit in the passenger seat? Why is this even a thing? Music? 3 different lives all brought together to share a small amount of space for the next 8 hours. Hmmmmm. I didn’t realize all the possibilities.
Firstly, you are sharing the air you breathe. So if someone vapes or stinks, that effects you. Next you share the environment. Things can be too hot or too cold or too loud or to dancey or too jazzy, lol. And others often have something to say about how you drive. There is a lot to a road trip that you don’t notice when you are in a relationship, because you have already gone through it. You have stayed together because most of these things have clicked. Hopefully. Lots of lessons on control and also compromise AND gratefulness. What I noticed was what I have taken for granted and all the reasons I have feared new relationships. Starting fresh.
What I have learned though is you don’t have to compromise too much, there are 7.8 billion people out there and some of them like the same things as you. As well as the importance of self and self love, self compassion and self trust. It is just so fucking important to love yourself. OR you can easily take someone else’s shit and make it mean something about yourself. How quick we are to beat ourselves up when someone accuses us of something that really has nothing to do with us, but rather their own inner conflicts.
Big Lake was great. There was snow, alcohol, kids, amazing food and memories. Amy is an incredible mom and I am so in love with her and her beautiful babies. Back to reminders of how lucky we are to pick our family. ❤️
I have dove deep over the last few days in regards to my life. How do I ground when I have no home base? How do I come back to center, to stability and not have the need to control? And truly are those even things or just illusions we place in front of us? I can ground with no home base! I can find center on the equator! How do I find my divine feminine leadership and completely surrender to the flow? As Abraham Hicks says, nothing you want is upstream. Don’t work so fucking hard. So here we go. Sweet surrender!!!!
Today I speak to attachment. Like seriously what a life we are living. 4 months ago I drove my youngest and final at home daughter to live with her dad and made one of those life changing decisions. To leave my long term relationship. One of the scariest decisions I have made. I quickly realized that I could no longer make excuses as to why I wasn’t living the life I always dreamed of as all of those excuses were gone. I guess that is why the decision was so scary? I have lived such a cool life, I havedone so many things, and owned so much stuff.
So here I sit reflecting in the YVR airport lounge on the past 4 months. I got the call, you are leaving for Bali tomorrow night and I kicked in to get shit done mode. As the queen of self care preaching, I also got a massage, went to a friends for dinner and got my nails done. Lol.
In October I had my friends Kylie Judge and over to give my clients a clarity breath work experience and during the session it hit me. Let go of all this shit. What I recognized was that in the past 2 years I acquired the pick up, the motorcycle, the pallet bed and all the other stuff. When and if I decide to come back, I can do it again. What good would it do for me to pay for a storage unit to hold onto all this shit I wasn’t using?? Let it go was sooooo clear. So I did.
For months I have packed and decided what to keep and what to let go and here we are. 13 Tupperware containers, 4 small boxes and some randoms. Wow. And as Isit, reality hits. Last night sleeping in my bed. Last shower. I am free. Did you hear me guys???? Free!!! Free from the confines I placed on myself, free from restriction, free from all the things. And here we are. Here I am. Off to adventure the world. Off to find out more about me. Off to journey. ❤️???? straight up can not believe it is finally happening.
Today’s post is about boundaries. Yes boundaries. I know weird, right? Well I have learned a lot about a shit load of things in the last little while and boundaries come up for me when I think of these very cool chicks I know. When it comes to lending ahand, these ladies don’t seem to have any boundaries. I think they would literally give you the shirts off their backs to keep you warm.
I think about the boundaries or lack thereof that I have had in life. And the backbone I feel that I am just finding. I have not said so many things in fear of upsetting people, literally just to upset someone anyways. I have allowed things to go on that I don’t want to because I want to be the cool chick that never bitches. Stuffed so many emotions so deeply inside I ate just to quiet my mind. And here Iam feeling. Wow. Ow.
What I have learned (and it may seem obvious) is that you need to say the thing. Good, bad, Ugly.... the more you stuff your words the more you drink, or smoke or self destruct. I have said what I have needed to say lately, in a way that is not pushing my opinion or telling someone to change or bitching or even nagging. I have chosen what I can no longer be quiet about.... and guess what? The world isn’t as fragile as I thought it was, and neither am I. I have said the thing and people have listened. AND are still talking to me. No one has gotten mad or stormed off or told me to fuck off (oh wait, maybe they have), but it’s ok. I didn’t die or melt or cry. And I got it out. And like they say, if someone didn’t like what I had to say, that would be too bad.
What I have struggled with is the fact that boundaries need to be reinforced. They are an interesting force that need to be tended to daily. Without constant reinforcement, being boundaries are literally words just coming out of your mouth. This is where we often fail as adults. We feel bad, we break down our wall, we let someone do something we said we wouldn’t. And there you are, back to the way things were. Tolerating. What are you tolerating? Me I am over toleration ❤️????