Ownership

Mar. 26 - Journal Entry

OWNERSHIP

Up until recently, every relationship I have been in has been about ownership. Being together means property. This means I get to tell you what to do and I have to listen or not, to what you tell me to do. We can fight if either doesn’t “listen”, etc. I have been that way but not to an extreme & have been shifting for the last few years, but have maintained some control over my significant other.

I have thought lots about old patterns of jealousy & upset and not speaking up & not being honest and now in this moment recognize that I was manipulative & could claim the victim if things didn’t work out. On this journey I have been introduced to a lot of ways of being that I didn’t even know existed. A lot of labels as well.

Is a relationship two individual people that come together to explore this life or part of this life together and what are the rules around that? With open relationships, polyamory, fluidity, sapiosexuals, and a million other LABELS the evolution of relationship sure looks differentthan what my parents and grandparents partook in. As of late, my idea of the only boundaries being open, honest & transparent communication seems to be what I am seeking. Being a serial monogamous, I am not sure how all the other things would fly with me, but I can imagine that with constant communication anything can either be worked through or explored without ownership or rules by rather with mutual respect and love.

Integrity

Feb. 27 - Integrity

More conversations with Denise, bringing me closer to my true essence. At this moment, the conversation revolves around integrity. To be honest and admit to something that I don't love admitting to, I have cheated on almost every person I have ever been in relationship with. I know. Harsh.

I pride myself on saying I don't lie & again, when it comes down to being honest with myself, I must say that I have really discovered a way to push the boundaries in pretty much everything that I do. When it comes to honesty, what I have done all my life is basically tell the person the answer to the question that they asked and nothing more. So basically, if you don't ask theright question, you may not get the full answer. I will leave parts out so I don't have to listen to bitching or say some pieces of the story (unless asked) that would upset the other. And as I grow and learn, I am realizing it is dishonest to live that way and therefore, I am out of Integrity.

Even further on this growth journey, I am starting to recognize the ways I have been skirting the boundaries of integrity with other people and my relationships. For example, if I choose to date someone and have an idea that they might be involved with someone else - I have seriously just thought that it is on them... but as conversations have shown me lately, that is not true. It is a cop out and I am out of Integrity.

And so this week has brought me to recognize and finally admit it. I am out of Integrity. I have lied. I have cheated. I have done so many things that are considered sins and I no longer want to be who I am. I want a foundation of integrity in which I build my life, my business, my relationships, my life - Built on Integrity. Considering my recent visit to rock bottom, the most stable ground to build on. Integrity is the foundation, the base I pour as I continue to build.