A perfect end. After the usual terrifying piece, all calmed. I built a world under blankets and felt all the sensations - Visual, auditory & physical. Overwhelming sensations. Why does it have to be so terrible? I talk myself through it. What comes to me now is this trouble I have with control. My need to know who, what, why, where & when & most of all - HOW?
She takes away my control & takes me to the 5th dimension. A place where you can feel the inside of your body, where you are not separate from anything. Being so significance driven & so control & outcome focused, this world would be terrifying.
Last night was the first time I asked for help. Assistance to the bathroom, where I was able to find this world. The present. Then back to my mat for love. My reflections on my sapo experience & this feeling of overwhelming gratitude. Gratitude, firstly for my family - the Frik-Shuhn family. The people that give a shit, that read my posts and support and loveme, just as I am. Then I moved to the people in the room. The group. Such immense love for everyone in their processes. So beautiful, so much love. Then to Sean & Ben & Doug. So in love with these men. Words I needed to hear post Sapo. That they give a shit. That they love me. Broken, collecting all the pieces off the floor, ready to put them all back together one day soon.
Before enlightenment - chop the wood, carry the wood, stack the wood. After enlightenment - chop the wood, carry the wood, stack the wood.
It feels weird to say, but today I hit enlightenment. Years of being so hard on myself, I cried for. Years. Like all of my years. All the pressure I have put on myself. Dissolved. Trust. I haveto trust. The flow of everything. I had a taste of it.
We walk in, get santoed and then get comfy. Angel my guide. He says trust. I do. And he sends me to a place where nothing matters anymore, last of all my judgements of myself or anyone else. Years of baggage released. Years of harshness and making meaning and playing games. Am I here forever? Did I pass through and leave my body? I wish LOL.
I have never cried so hard. Not only this week, but in this ceremony. I felt it. Complete andunconditional love for myself, for the perfection I am. Completely broke through. Deserving. Worthy. Open. Loved. Loving. Nothing matters, least of all the constraints I have put on myself. So much hatred released.
One more aya ceremony.....
*** it felt amazing to hit enlightenment. It is a state I have only dreamed about. Itwas beautiful and I thought I hi t samadhi and was never to return. And that was not the truth here's the thing: after hitting that reality, one must come back to this reality. So quickly the veil is returned. Slowly added back. Skinny. Beauty. Finances. That place is beautiful and perfect but the real work takes place here.
Aya Camp - Big breakthrough!
Wow. Travelled all night to get here. Cusco and then the Sacred Valley. Had a massive breakdown today. Sat in the shower and cried. Had a nap, cried somemore. Total fucking breakdown. I didn't know what to do, under the effects of Medicine and then 8 hours of travelling with the biggest breakdown ever, I literally thought I wouldn't stop crying and would also maybe die (this emotion thing new to me). I started reaching out, trying to distract myself instead of just let it out. Istarted missing the boys from the jungle, started hating it here. Then I reached out to Sarah (a girl that came from the jungle with me). Best move ever. Went to her room and broke the fuck down while she held me. Shared some of my story with her and had the biggest breakthrough!
Just to add to the story, last night I went to see my friends and say goodbye. I ended up in conversation with one that went deep. I talked about wondering if I was addicted to sex, why did I always have this insatiable appetite for it and based all my relationship success in the quantity and quality of relations? B en told me I was more of a love addict than anything. I disagreed. Lol. I don't want love. We talked about meaningless sex being meaningless and a waste of time. He said, trust me darlin, you like the connection.
Back to the breakdown..... I was sharing with Sarah all of the this while she rubbed me and lovedme and held me and I was telling her stories of my past and I could feel a release at my core. My body let go of years and years of holding back, 39 years of tears. At first it felt like death. I was trying to do whatever I could to get away from it and when I listened to my intuition and leaned into it, it was amazing. Deep release. Complete let go.
What came through was the need I don't want to see. The need for touch, love, connection. This is why I have sex. It has been the only time I have allowed others to touch me or me touch others and I crave it, but don't want to admit it. I spend so much time not cuddling, not hugging, not showing affection, not holding hands or even kissing. And I feel deep apologies to all for that - friends, family and partners.
The barriers have been broken. I am open. No need to ever hold back tears again. No need to tense up when someone touches me. No need to not touch. And ask for help! Deep work today.
Aya Camp Entry #2 - All the things
What I wrote after my second ceremony.
This night I journeyed into "All the things."
The medicine came on fast and came on strong. I realized I spend a significant amount of time labelling myself - I am this, I am not that and tonight the labels went away.
I can not really tell you what happened as I could not comprehend the unfolding of events, images and sensations I went through in such a short time (something I will refer to as the terribles, coined by Anton) and then the time loop.
The time loop was like an unfolding and deconstruction of my who and all of my mindless thinking. How hard I truly have to work to NOT know what's going on. How hard I truly have to work in everyday interactions to see a sign or make meaning out of the words and actions of others. How hard I have to work to discover all of the things I already know.
Tonight I discovered CHOICE. Literally everything comes down to choice.
How long will I self destruct? As long as I choose to.
How long will I continue to not have a morning routine or get serious about my business again? As long as I choose to.
How long until I stop beating myself up for my choices?
How long until I choose differently?
How long until I am ok?
How long until I am good enough?
How long until I love myself?
All choice my friend. Last night Ben's words rang so loud in my ears. "You are forgetting about 1 very important person - YOURSELF" and by doing that it's easy to forget that everything is a choice.
This is me.
No filter. No make up. No eyelash extensions. No gel nails. No faces to cover up my hatred for selfies.
This is the girl I love to hate and hate to love. This is the girl I cover in make up and falseness because I can't seem to find her beauty without it. And right now I just don't want to do that anymore.
Right now I base my worth on what others say about me, not what I see when I look in the mirror or just feel as a sense of self.
This is me raw and unapologetic in this moment. The one afraid she will be alone or dating for the rest of her adult life. Afraid to be seen as she truly is, with stretch marks and a chubby belly and no thigh gap. Afraid her perfect partner will be disgusted by how she presents physically.
This is me.
This is how I feel today as I sit at the airport, ready to fly!
Today I set off for who knows how long. To go do who knows what, who knows where lol. Well I know a bit. Tomorrow at this time I will be landing in Iquitos, Peru. I will be whisked off into the Amazon for an incredible journey into myself. As mentioned I have battled loneliness and just want to let it go. I want to love ME as much as I loved Paul when I met him. And I will. In fact I sometimes wonder if just by setting that intention, I already do.
Sitting here at Vino Volo, not drinking wine and just wanting to be in Peru already I am reminded about the journey in general. In life, and in flight, it's important not to forget about how important the journey is.
This morning on the ferry I met a woman that I talked to for the entire ferry ride. She was older, super kind and had experienced very little trauma in her life. She was a wealth of positive knowledge and she reminded me of realities I sometimes forget about because I don't often intact with them. I would have missed her if I was in a hurry.
So I imagine there will be some interesting posts to come, but for now you get a goodbye. And a nervous smile. ❤️
Today what comes to mind is shame. The word shame. The feelings of shame. A lot of the stuff that comes up around trauma, for myself and for others, is shame. Shame really means that you think something is wrong with you. That what happened to you has something to do with the way you are. But it is that thought that holds on to trauma, holds on to old patterns and beliefs, and manages to keep you small - to keep you in shame.
I have shame around my body. A lot of shame around my physical appearance. Shame around my sexual appetite and preferences. Shame shame shame. And I release it. I am leaving it behind here in Bali.
And I started with some naked suntanning. I am me. That’s it. I am not defined by anyone’s definition of beauty but my own. And I love that.
Gratefulness is the word that comes up for me today. Around 1pm Bali time, I found myself sitting at a cafe with 3 men & 3 amazing children I did not know a month ago drinking cat poo coffee. Lol, yup you read it right. Drinking cat poo coffee ???? ????. Yogi Will, Ryan and my new friend Cam (a whole nother crazy divine timing person) went for lunch today to eat localfood and Cam told us all about this coffee bean that cats are fed to poop out and that is where the coffee is harvested. Well we have to try that now don’t we.
I recognized this very impactful moment when Will was entertaining us all and my abs were burning, I was laughing so hard and my face hurt and Cam was telling me about taking me motorcycle riding around Bali when I come back. I had to take a moment to be so fucking grateful. Had I not made the decision to change my life sodrastically, I wouldn’t be here, in the jungle, with all of these fantastic people that I feel like I have known forever, drinking cat poo coffee, laughing my ass off and already dreaming about my next trip to Bali!!!!
I was so scared to leave my relationship. So nervous to sell my house, so freaked to release my attachment to all of my material belongings. AND yet I did it and I amso grateful I did. Here I am in Bali running a retreat with the most amazing people, co-creating this amazing sacred & healing space.
Today’s adventure set me up for my word of the year. Ryan directed us through this process and intention setting and talked on the word of the year and this amazing moment hit me - I want more of them. In fact, my word of the year is adventure. And I look forward to so many more!!! Bali has already been so intense and the retreat just started. I am grateful for this life I have lived and the one that is unfolding. My heart feels so freaking full.
Today’s post is about boundaries. Yes boundaries. I know weird, right? Well I have learned a lot about a shit load of things in the last little while and boundaries come up for me when I think of these very cool chicks I know. When it comes to lending ahand, these ladies don’t seem to have any boundaries. I think they would literally give you the shirts off their backs to keep you warm.
I think about the boundaries or lack thereof that I have had in life. And the backbone I feel that I am just finding. I have not said so many things in fear of upsetting people, literally just to upset someone anyways. I have allowed things to go on that I don’t want to because I want to be the cool chick that never bitches. Stuffed so many emotions so deeply inside I ate just to quiet my mind. And here Iam feeling. Wow. Ow.
What I have learned (and it may seem obvious) is that you need to say the thing. Good, bad, Ugly.... the more you stuff your words the more you drink, or smoke or self destruct. I have said what I have needed to say lately, in a way that is not pushing my opinion or telling someone to change or bitching or even nagging. I have chosen what I can no longer be quiet about.... and guess what? The world isn’t as fragile as I thought it was, and neither am I. I have said the thing and people have listened. AND are still talking to me. No one has gotten mad or stormed off or told me to fuck off (oh wait, maybe they have), but it’s ok. I didn’t die or melt or cry. And I got it out. And like they say, if someone didn’t like what I had to say, that would be too bad.
What I have struggled with is the fact that boundaries need to be reinforced. They are an interesting force that need to be tended to daily. Without constant reinforcement, being boundaries are literally words just coming out of your mouth. This is where we often fail as adults. We feel bad, we break down our wall, we let someone do something we said we wouldn’t. And there you are, back to the way things were. Tolerating. What are you tolerating? Me I am over toleration ❤️????