MY intention : to find the strength to carry on and finish the 2 hour ceremony and carry that strength into my life.
Analogy : I was shown me walking through an abyss of dark just r eaching out to grab whatever I can hold onto. BUT in the SWEAT it represents the same and I didn't grab out for anything. I stayed close to the fire. I didn't drink water. I made it. It did feel like a rebirth. I can only do what I can do. And go as far as I can go. I am so strong. Not sure why I forget that. From childhood all the way to now. And I just keep trying to do better, not seeing all that I have already done.
I was reborn.
Aya Camp Entry #2 - All the things
What I wrote after my second ceremony.
This night I journeyed into "All the things."
The medicine came on fast and came on strong. I realized I spend a significant amount of time labelling myself - I am this, I am not that and tonight the labels went away.
I can not really tell you what happened as I could not comprehend the unfolding of events, images and sensations I went through in such a short time (something I will refer to as the terribles, coined by Anton) and then the time loop.
The time loop was like an unfolding and deconstruction of my who and all of my mindless thinking. How hard I truly have to work to NOT know what's going on. How hard I truly have to work in everyday interactions to see a sign or make meaning out of the words and actions of others. How hard I have to work to discover all of the things I already know.
Tonight I discovered CHOICE. Literally everything comes down to choice.
How long will I self destruct? As long as I choose to.
How long will I continue to not have a morning routine or get serious about my business again? As long as I choose to.
How long until I stop beating myself up for my choices?
How long until I choose differently?
How long until I am ok?
How long until I am good enough?
How long until I love myself?
All choice my friend. Last night Ben's words rang so loud in my ears. "You are forgetting about 1 very important person - YOURSELF" and by doing that it's easy to forget that everything is a choice.