My Worth

Mar.1 - Journal Entry

Yesterday was a day of insights. I did over 8 hours of yoga. Over 3.5 hours of physical asana & 2.5 hours of dancing and then ended with an astral projection meditation. What I recognized was more worth issues around the actions I have been taking in my personal & professional life. I see the impact that it has on me vibrationally to be with a person that has a partner. AND without anger, I see the way they are using me to feel better about themselves by bringing me into their entanglement.

I see how not being number 1 or the one or the next main interest is a cop out for me. I don't have to put myself out there. I can always blame any rejection on outside circumstances & yet... it decreases and impacts my self worth even more because I am the other. I am allowing myself to be used. I have been doing it unconsciously - aware that there may be another person involved in this energetic exchange, but putting that responsibility on the person I am with. My friend Denise pointed out though, that if we are all one and I am skirting the responsibility of finding out this person has a partner or if I am aware that there is another... this impacts us all... Deeply! We are to raise each other up, not tear each other down.

Today I take responsibility... AND I see my worth.

Aya Camp - Big breakthrough!

Wow. Travelled all night to get here. Cusco and then the Sacred Valley. Had a massive breakdown today. Sat in the shower and cried. Had a nap, cried somemore. Total fucking breakdown. I didn't know what to do, under the effects of Medicine and then 8 hours of travelling with the biggest breakdown ever, I literally thought I wouldn't stop crying and would also maybe die (this emotion thing new to me). I started reaching out, trying to distract myself instead of just let it out. Istarted missing the boys from the jungle, started hating it here. Then I reached out to Sarah (a girl that came from the jungle with me). Best move ever. Went to her room and broke the fuck down while she held me. Shared some of my story with her and had the biggest breakthrough!

Just to add to the story, last night I went to see my friends and say goodbye. I ended up in conversation with one that went deep. I talked about wondering if I was addicted to sex, why did I always have this insatiable appetite for it and based all my relationship success in the quantity and quality of relations? B    en told me I was more of a love addict than anything. I disagreed. Lol. I don't want love. We talked about meaningless sex being meaningless and a waste of time. He said, trust me darlin, you like the connection.

Back to the breakdown..... I was sharing with Sarah all of the this while she rubbed me and lovedme and held me and I was telling her stories of my past and I could feel a release at my core. My body let go of years and years of holding back, 39 years of tears. At first it felt like death. I was trying to do whatever I could to get away from it and when I listened to my intuition and leaned into it, it was amazing. Deep release. Complete let go.

What came through was the need I don't want to see. The need for touch, love, connection. This is why I have sex. It has been the only time I have allowed others to touch me or me touch others and I crave it, but don't want to admit it. I spend so much time not cuddling, not hugging, not showing affection, not holding hands or even kissing. And I feel deep apologies to all for that - friends, family and partners.

The barriers have been broken. I am open. No need to ever hold back tears again. No need to tense up when someone touches me. No need to not touch. And ask for help! Deep work today.

Aya Camp Entry #4 -

Ceremony #4

Journal entry :
Judgement. Inner monologue. Hatred. Failure. The last 3 ceremonies have been exactly the same but completely different. Everything highlighting this crazy war I have going on 24/7 with myself. The blame for not loving me shifts from one worthy opponent to another. For so long the physical aspectof me. All parts. The mirror my favourite companion to pick out daily every single one of my million flaws. I was so focused externally that I have allowed myself, my inner dialogue to beat the fuck out of me, and not subtly.

My curse is guilt. The catalyst is failure. This voice in my head relentless. What a fuck up you are. Said in so many different ways. All these feelings brought to the surface, left to boil for the next few days of travel. How can I find balance in all of this? This entire journey has come to a place of exhaustion.

Acceptance. Love. Integration. Deep deep down, I know I am ok. I just feel weary. And this leg of the journey has just begun.

Aya Camp Entry #2 - All the things

What I wrote after my second ceremony.

This night I journeyed into "All the things."

The medicine came on fast and came on strong. I realized I spend a significant amount of time labelling myself - I am this, I am not that and tonight the labels went away.

I can not really tell you what happened as I could not comprehend the unfolding of events, images and sensations I went through in such a short time (something I will refer to as the terribles, coined by Anton) and then the time loop.

The time loop was like an unfolding and deconstruction of my who and all of my mindless thinking. How hard I truly have to work to NOT know what's going on. How hard I truly have to work in everyday interactions to see a sign or make meaning out of the words and actions of others. How hard I have to work to discover all of the things I already know.

Tonight I discovered CHOICE. Literally everything comes down to choice.

How long will I self destruct? As long as I choose to.

How long will I continue to not have a morning routine or get serious about my business again? As long as I choose to.

How long until I stop beating myself up for my choices?

How long until I choose differently?

How long until I am ok?

How long until I am good enough?

How long until I love myself?

All choice my friend. Last night Ben's words rang so loud in my ears. "You are forgetting about 1 very important person - YOURSELF" and by doing that it's easy to forget that everything is a choice.

This is me

This is me.

No filter. No make up. No eyelash extensions. No gel nails. No faces to cover up my hatred for selfies.

This is the girl I love to hate and hate to love. This is the girl I cover in make up and falseness because I can't seem to find her beauty without it. And right now I just don't want to do that anymore.

Right now I base my worth on what others say about me, not what I see when I look in the mirror or just feel as a sense of self.

This is me raw and unapologetic in this moment. The one afraid she will be alone or dating for the rest of her adult life. Afraid to be seen as she truly is, with stretch marks and a chubby belly and no thigh gap. Afraid her perfect partner will be disgusted by how she presents physically.

This is me.

Friendship

Friendship.

I needed a ride to the ferry a month ago and was at a loss for who to ask. All my friends are busy, have their own lives and are often business oriented - meaning the reason I know them is because of my work. I definitely learned 2 things. I have trouble asking for help and looking back I have not fostered my friendships.

This whole divorce thing has been hard but also very great for clearing space in my life. At first my partner was reaching out to anyone that would listen and filling them with some pretty good stories. I watched my friend count on Facebook drop and some followers on Instagram disappear. Even some family went to the dark side, lol. I went quiet. I went inside. I drank Prosecco. And that is when it hit me. Everything has been about business for me. The reason I knew I was losing friends was a number on social media, not anything to do with physical reality. This made me take a long, hard look at everything, including my business.

By letting people go and healing some energy leaks with important people in my life, I started to clear space. I recognized the friends I do have and started to attract some new ones. This weekend I came home to teach some classes and ended up getting offers to stay with my amazing students (and friends) and at first just kept saying no. I felt guilty imposing. But Erika basically told me I was staying with her and I have to be honest, I was relieved. We stayed up late talking, had morning coffee staring onto the lake, talking, and just plain enjoyed each others company.

I take away from this the beautiful and feminine skill of receiving. I have resisted accepting help from others for so long. What up with that? I definitely don't mind helping but receiving, unless you're helping me move I don't need anything. Yet, here I am. Homeless, carless, and therefore in need of assistance. I am so grateful for everyone. Everyone that encourages me in continuing to post my most vulnerable feelings and realizations. I am grateful for those that won't let me be without shelter. To Tim for lending me a car! And to each and every one of you for your support and encouragement.

I think of that quote, "No one ever said it would be easy, they just said it would be worth it." Amen.

Shame

Today what comes to mind is shame. The word shame. The feelings of shame. A lot of the stuff that comes up around trauma, for myself and for others, is shame. Shame really means that you think something is wrong with you. That what happened to you has something to do with the way you are. But it is that thought that holds on to trauma, holds on to old patterns and beliefs, and manages to keep you small - to keep you in shame.

I have shame around my body. A lot of shame around my physical appearance. Shame around my sexual appetite and preferences. Shame shame shame. And I release it. I am leaving it behind here in Bali.

And I started with some naked suntanning. I am me. That’s it. I am not defined by anyone’s definition of beauty but my own. And I love that.