Oh My God!!!!

Oh
My
God

Today I arrived on the farm. I did not expect this. I was shown to my abode and there were no fucking walls. Open air to the mother fucking jungle. No net on my bed. Listen... 4 weeks ago I had eyelash extensions and a French manicure, 6 weeks ago I had a 3000 square foot home and here I am. Lol.

No Internet, no cell service, no indoor bathrooms, but.... There are composting toilets, nature, and jungle boys.

Pulled 2 cards today - one said go for it, be daring & the other said be healed in nature. Quite the place to come to. No fucking walls. Open air bed. This forest dance could be crazy and insightful and beautiful. Be open. Everything will be fine with kids. You have got this.

***Looking back on this I am astonished. Opportunities came up that I really struggled with and I did go for it and I was daring, but I didn't remember those cards. I was totally healed in nature. Also Summer was travelling to Costa Rica and I was struggling because I couldn't keep in contact and I figured she needed her mommy... But she did fine without me.

Mar.5

Morning here with the neighbours... I fell in love immediately with Michael & Linda... Fresh coffee, guitar, songs, wise words and a heart shaped tub!

Insights from Michael's morning session :
The little voice in me that talks with no sound.
I am not becoming. I am not going anywhere. I am that, whatever that is.
Go from knowing it all to all knowing.

Evening here includes community, amazing food, incense and reading. A book made its way to me called We. Well worth the read. Notes from We :
In the evolution of consciousness our greatest problem is always our richest opportunity.
Zen teaches that inner growth always involves an experience of a red hot coal in the throat. In our development we always come to a problem, an obstacle that goes so deep that we can't swallow and we can't cough it up.
Love is an archetype, it has its own character, it's own traits, it's own personality. Love behaves as a person in the unconscious. Love is distinct from my ego. Love was here before my ego came in to this world. Love will be here after my ego departs. Yet, love is something or someone that lives within me. Therefore, when I say I love, it is not I who love, but in reality love who acts through me. Love is not so much as something I do as something that I am. Love is not a doing but a state of being.

8 hours of Yoga!

Mar. 3 - journal entry

Sitting with Harry and Denise, I was listening to them speak to being in a place of contentment. Not complacent, yet also not looking to devote their time at present to healing... As they feel in a good place at the moment AND both are single. The lesson? I am there, I just needed to realize it AND it is time to integrate all that I have learned.

Mar. 4 - journal entry

Struggling with this group mentality. Feeling like I don't fit in. Not a new story forme. It feels like no one cares about what I have to say. What I have recognized from this particular set of interactions though is that some people are just not my people. And some are. But the story I tell tends to be that I don't belong in most groups that I run in... This is why I call myself a Weirdo.... This is why I am short on close friends, I have but a few. And I could look at this differently as well, it doesn't have to be a bad thing.... And I don't think I am wrongabout how I feel. I want to be close with peeps and it just doesn't vibe. I guess I just keep looking for my tribe without judgement.

Later insight to this: what I realized is, I already have people. Why do I need to go across the world to find more? Love who and what I have with the ones in my life now! Appreciate them and stop trying to find more, I do already have so much.

My Worth

Mar.1 - Journal Entry

Yesterday was a day of insights. I did over 8 hours of yoga. Over 3.5 hours of physical asana & 2.5 hours of dancing and then ended with an astral projection meditation. What I recognized was more worth issues around the actions I have been taking in my personal & professional life. I see the impact that it has on me vibrationally to be with a person that has a partner. AND without anger, I see the way they are using me to feel better about themselves by bringing me into their entanglement.

I see how not being number 1 or the one or the next main interest is a cop out for me. I don't have to put myself out there. I can always blame any rejection on outside circumstances & yet... it decreases and impacts my self worth even more because I am the other. I am allowing myself to be used. I have been doing it unconsciously - aware that there may be another person involved in this energetic exchange, but putting that responsibility on the person I am with. My friend Denise pointed out though, that if we are all one and I am skirting the responsibility of finding out this person has a partner or if I am aware that there is another... this impacts us all... Deeply! We are to raise each other up, not tear each other down.

Today I take responsibility... AND I see my worth.