Journal entry :
Judgement. Inner monologue. Hatred. Failure. The last 3 ceremonies have been exactly the same but completely different. Everything highlighting this crazy war I have going on 24/7 with myself. The blame for not loving me shifts from one worthy opponent to another. For so long the physical aspectof me. All parts. The mirror my favourite companion to pick out daily every single one of my million flaws. I was so focused externally that I have allowed myself, my inner dialogue to beat the fuck out of me, and not subtly.
My curse is guilt. The catalyst is failure. This voice in my head relentless. What a fuck up you are. Said in so many different ways. All these feelings brought to the surface, left to boil for the next few days of travel. How can I find balance in all of this? This entire journey has come to a place of exhaustion.
Acceptance. Love. Integration. Deep deep down, I know I am ok. I just feel weary. And this leg of the journey has just begun.
This is me.
No filter. No make up. No eyelash extensions. No gel nails. No faces to cover up my hatred for selfies.
This is the girl I love to hate and hate to love. This is the girl I cover in make up and falseness because I can't seem to find her beauty without it. And right now I just don't want to do that anymore.
Right now I base my worth on what others say about me, not what I see when I look in the mirror or just feel as a sense of self.
This is me raw and unapologetic in this moment. The one afraid she will be alone or dating for the rest of her adult life. Afraid to be seen as she truly is, with stretch marks and a chubby belly and no thigh gap. Afraid her perfect partner will be disgusted by how she presents physically.
This is me.