A perfect end. After the usual terrifying piece, all calmed. I built a world under blankets and felt all the sensations - Visual, auditory & physical. Overwhelming sensations. Why does it have to be so terrible? I talk myself through it. What comes to me now is this trouble I have with control. My need to know who, what, why, where & when & most of all - HOW?
She takes away my control & takes me to the 5th dimension. A place where you can feel the inside of your body, where you are not separate from anything. Being so significance driven & so control & outcome focused, this world would be terrifying.
Last night was the first time I asked for help. Assistance to the bathroom, where I was able to find this world. The present. Then back to my mat for love. My reflections on my sapo experience & this feeling of overwhelming gratitude. Gratitude, firstly for my family - the Frik-Shuhn family. The people that give a shit, that read my posts and support and loveme, just as I am. Then I moved to the people in the room. The group. Such immense love for everyone in their processes. So beautiful, so much love. Then to Sean & Ben & Doug. So in love with these men. Words I needed to hear post Sapo. That they give a shit. That they love me. Broken, collecting all the pieces off the floor, ready to put them all back together one day soon.
Aya Camp Entry #5 - The big dose
Journal entry :
Went for a big dose tonight. Went to another dimension of melting and waves and totalphysical sensations. At one point I felt work being done in my crown. It felt like my skull was being mined away from my head, the pieces falling into the deep abyss inside my head. My connection to Spirit, to my true essence opened up more, stronger. Then, simultaneously, actual physical shifts, almost like cracks in one's spine began to my entire Chakra system, from root to throat. The third eye was last. The mining came from inside and funnelled out. A beam of light from my third eye. And.... I loved myself. I felt deep, intense, beautiful love for myself and everyone else there. I was taken on a journey and shown the family ties of staff here at Arkana. It confirmed my decision to return to the jungle to assist with ceremonies and teach yoga. Assisting people in their own transformations. (More info later).
I have been purging since my first sip of this bitter brew, but not out of my mouth, lol. Well this streak changed last night. My purge - whoa! It was so welcome! Something I have thought of for years. I felt years of shit birthed, expelled, released, like a demon forced from my body.
Angel's analogy regarding the releasing of all these things in my life - all of this is like clipping your nails, you know they are a part of you, but you don't need them anymore.
Journal entry :
Judgement. Inner monologue. Hatred. Failure. The last 3 ceremonies have been exactly the same but completely different. Everything highlighting this crazy war I have going on 24/7 with myself. The blame for not loving me shifts from one worthy opponent to another. For so long the physical aspectof me. All parts. The mirror my favourite companion to pick out daily every single one of my million flaws. I was so focused externally that I have allowed myself, my inner dialogue to beat the fuck out of me, and not subtly.
My curse is guilt. The catalyst is failure. This voice in my head relentless. What a fuck up you are. Said in so many different ways. All these feelings brought to the surface, left to boil for the next few days of travel. How can I find balance in all of this? This entire journey has come to a place of exhaustion.
Acceptance. Love. Integration. Deep deep down, I know I am ok. I just feel weary. And this leg of the journey has just begun.
Aya Camp Entry #3 - Rock Bottom
What I wrote after ceremony #3.
Yesterday was the most beautiful Valentine's day I have ever had. I officiallyunboycott the day as it now has so much more meaning. How beautiful an annual reminder of the day I fell in love with myself. The day I saw my worth. The day I came to grips with the beauty I truly hold inside.
Last night I embarked on a journey with this amazing plant as my guide. I dive bombed a cannon ball into the deepest pit of despair and officially hit rock bottom. On the way down, the haunting visions of all that I have refused to feel or admit or touch on were pushing me down further until finally I was an egg, cracked open, yoke broken. RAW & VULNERABLE until my ego finally admitted defeat.
I did it. I asked for help. Lef t at the bottom of the deepest crack this earth has, I wondered, "Now what?" How can this cracked egg navigate the world? Guided and surrounded by the 3 beautiful shamans and their ancient wisdom, I started to build and climb. The most solid foundation is built from rock bottom.
I made my way back to the top. My fears & worries were not victors or foes but rather allies & friends guiding me here. To this moment in time. With these people. At this place. On valentine's day. The fears needed to be seen and acknowledged and no longer pushed away. Self love is not what I thought it was. Not as I expected. I have found new respect for the word discipline and the importance of its presence in my life. I have also forgiven myself for everything. I have healed to the core of my being. I recognize there is a path and I am so glad to continue to walk it. To hit all the monuments and attractions along the way.
I have agonized that this was the biggest mistake I have ever made in my life. Leaving Paul,selling everything I own with no end goal other than faith, love and gratefulness. To leave my girls, to be so selfish, to keep doing it despite nagging and relentless voices telling me I'm crazy. Greedy. A piece of shit. Last night I saw the best decision I have every made.
My purpose is to be. I touch others at a soul level and now own that. I connect. I love. Again arriving to my path. Truly embodying that the end of the path is not what I am searching for, but rather the journey. I have been walking by the roses for so many years. And finally, their aroma is slowing me down, seducing me and having me look around. I have arrived, truly, in this moment.
Ayahuasca Camp Journal Entry #1
This is from my journal the day after my first journey.
5 years ago ish, I had an urge. A crazy urged to head to the jungle to drink jungle juice and find and connect to a deeper part of my soul. Last night that dream came true. I have spent the last 5 years full of anticipation and trying to stave off expectation.
Last night I drank the bitter brew and meet the grandmother I have been fantasizing about for years and I was so happy to meet her. The journey was long and beautiful and mild and expelatory. I went to many surface areas of my mind and the answers were thrown at me immediately. Lose the princess and find the Queen. Let go of your falsities and love who and what you are just as you are. Own your greatness and stop searching for your purpose. You already hold it, you already know it, now do it.
And take that shit off your face. Stop the eyelashes, the nails, the makeup, get dirty, enjoy nature and remember who you are. Stop searching ~ for you, for your purpose, for the answers, for your life partner, for meaning in everything. ENJOY ~ the world around you, life, your adventure, your children and your work.
Nobody ever said it would be easy, they just said it would be worth it.
After 22 hours of travel,I landed in Iquitos, I left the airport in a tuk tuk, and as I sat in the 35• weather headed to town and checked out the scenery, it finally it hit me. Here I am doing this alone. I travel alone quite regularly, but often to meet people. Go on a retreat with friends or to Tony Robbins where I know people, and, I am going on a retreat and meeting with people in Costa Ricabut at this moment the reality of everything that has been building for the last 6 months came to light.
I talked with so many single travellers, all male. Everyone surprised by my journey mainly because of my vagina. Well fuck it (but not really because the ayahausca diet forbids it for 2 weeks prior, during and 2 weeks after lol). I am detoxing here with no coffee, or sugar, or dairy, or as mentioned sex OR alcohol. And other than the dull headache, I feel... I don't want to fill in anymore because I think that sentence says more than any label could. I feel.
A newer feeling for me. Feeling in general. And those of you that knew me even a year ago knew I didn't even feel comfortable with physical touch. I would rather not hug or cuddle or hold hands and now here I am. The hugger with emotions lol... Wtf?
As I talk to more people and hear about their experiences with the medicine, the anticipation right now is at an all time high. I literally can not wait to get to the jungle. I have to remind myself to stay present. To enjoy the cooking. * cooking is what happens basically from the time that you make the decision to partake in the medicine, it's literally all of your shit starting to boil to the surface * And that has been happening to me and I am well aware of it. The closer to the time of actual ingestion, the more intense.
When I was in Chilliwack last weekend there was a lot for me to stew about. One thing that stands out is my issues around rejection and how I let that effect me. In fact, in sharing, I recognized how it effects most people (I want to say everyone but God knows there will be that one person in denial). The fear of rejection seems to stop us from reaching out to others and saying the things that we really want to say. What I've recognized is that it's a pitiful excuse. To not tell someone you like them or love them because you are afraid they won't say the same back is also bottling your emotions. And it causes stress, emotional pain and, eventually, physical ailments. Add up all the things you haven't said in your life (both positive and negative) and tell me your healthy, lol.
I know I said fuck it last weekend. I reached out to my mom a while ago, I cyber-stalked a cute boy and called him, I told almost every person in my life I loved them and I have shared a bit of my upset with those I needed to (carefully as that can be a slippery slope of blame as opposed to personal responsibility). Let me tell you, not one of those things worked out the way I wanted them to. Lol. Not one. All of them went in the way of rejection. My Mom has not responded when I thought she would jump all over it, the boy didn't meet me and no one said sorry or owned their shit with explanation. Fuck.
But I did it anyway and I didn't make it mean anything about me. Because really I think that is what we are worried about,right? If I say I love you and you don't say it back, that means I am unloveable. If I chase after that boy or girl and they don't like me back that means I am ugly or fat or insert your flaws here. And it's not the truth. What is the truth you ask? The truth is objective and without emotion. The truth is you said I love you to someone and they didn't say it back. That's it. It doesn't mean you are unloveable or even that they don't love you back, you never know what is going on with someone else, it just means at that moment, they didn't say it back.
So fuck rejection. Seriously. You know I speak on living out of your comfort zone.... Well that doesn't mean sell everything you own and move to the jungle, it just means say something that scares you, everyday. Or start with once a week. Say I love you or no or yes or hi, my name is. Feel the fear and do it anyway.