Today what comes to mind is shame. The word shame. The feelings of shame. A lot of the stuff that comes up around trauma, for myself and for others, is shame. Shame really means that you think something is wrong with you. That what happened to you has something to do with the way you are. But it is that thought that holds on to trauma, holds on to old patterns and beliefs, and manages to keep you small - to keep you in shame.
I have shame around my body. A lot of shame around my physical appearance. Shame around my sexual appetite and preferences. Shame shame shame. And I release it. I am leaving it behind here in Bali.
And I started with some naked suntanning. I am me. That’s it. I am not defined by anyone’s definition of beauty but my own. And I love that.
Gratefulness is the word that comes up for me today. Around 1pm Bali time, I found myself sitting at a cafe with 3 men & 3 amazing children I did not know a month ago drinking cat poo coffee. Lol, yup you read it right. Drinking cat poo coffee ????????. Yogi Will, Ryan and my new friend Cam (a whole nother crazy divine timing person) went for lunch today to eat localfood and Cam told us all about this coffee bean that cats are fed to poop out and that is where the coffee is harvested. Well we have to try that now don’t we.
I recognized this very impactful moment when Will was entertaining us all and my abs were burning, I was laughing so hard and my face hurt and Cam was telling me about taking me motorcycle riding around Bali when I come back. I had to take a moment to be so fucking grateful. Had I not made the decision to change my life sodrastically, I wouldn’t be here, in the jungle, with all of these fantastic people that I feel like I have known forever, drinking cat poo coffee, laughing my ass off and already dreaming about my next trip to Bali!!!!
I was so scared to leave my relationship. So nervous to sell my house, so freaked to release my attachment to all of my material belongings. AND yet I did it and I amso grateful I did. Here I am in Bali running a retreat with the most amazing people, co-creating this amazing sacred & healing space.
Today’s adventure set me up for my word of the year. Ryan directed us through this process and intention setting and talked on the word of the year and this amazing moment hit me - I want more of them. In fact, my word of the year is adventure. And I look forward to so many more!!! Bali has already been so intense and the retreat just started. I am grateful for this life I have lived and the one that is unfolding. My heart feels so freaking full.
Today I was going to post about something else, but the universe had a different lesson in mind for me it seems. Today I speak about anger.
I was on the last leg of flights yesterday and decided to journal about how chill of a person I am. Like I do get upset sometimes and angry, but I hold it inside. I don’t often tell or tell people I am upset and I don’t think many people in this world have seen me show those types of emotions. Yet, I guess it is time to stop stuffing. After travelling for 27 hours we arrived at the resort and as great as they were, they were not organized. We had an hour and a half check in and at the end of it all, I was theonly one that didn’t have a room. I was tired, wanted to shower and unpack and eat and go to bed. The people seemed very rigid on their policies and rules and I was feeling frustration inside, but didn’t want anyone to see it. So I kept smiling.
I waited quite a while for my room and eventually went to dinner where we found out that a $10 bottle of wine is $95. Really? I am frustrated and now I can’t drink? Prosecco has been my friend for the last few months and I quickly realized a coping mechanism. But that’s ok, just keep smiling. What’s the lesson here for me??? I mean I could drink. It is just really pricey.
Next day. I have to move rooms now and they still don’t have vouchers made for me so that I can eat. It’s ok they tell me and off to the restaurant I go where they refuse to let me eat. Omfg. Really? Mary Penhall Freeman, the sweetest person ever gives me some acknowledgement and I share my journal entry and my lessons in all of this. Some amazingcoaching offered by my new partner in crime Yogi Will, and I recognize that this is the next part of me to be healed. The anger bit. The self love. With a lack of beat up. And yet still being heard.
And I did. I felt and acknowledged that I have anger in my body. I recognized that I have spent so many years trying not to be my Mom. My little girl also had to hide emotions to be strong. To not be angry. To not let anyone see her sweat, or cry, or get mad. To not let anyone know that their words hurt or affected me. And I am grown now. I have emotions. And things hurt me sometimes. I have even cried once or twice.... in the last week. Lol. It’s time for me to feel. It’s time for me to share. It’s time for me to heal.