Feb. 27 - Integrity
More conversations with Denise, bringing me closer to my true essence. At this moment, the conversation revolves around integrity. To be honest and admit to something that I don't love admitting to, I have cheated on almost every person I have ever been in relationship with. I know. Harsh.
I pride myself on saying I don't lie & again, when it comes down to being honest with myself, I must say that I have really discovered a way to push the boundaries in pretty much everything that I do. When it comes to honesty, what I have done all my life is basically tell the person the answer to the question that they asked and nothing more. So basically, if you don't ask theright question, you may not get the full answer. I will leave parts out so I don't have to listen to bitching or say some pieces of the story (unless asked) that would upset the other. And as I grow and learn, I am realizing it is dishonest to live that way and therefore, I am out of Integrity.
Even further on this growth journey, I am starting to recognize the ways I have been skirting the boundaries of integrity with other people and my relationships. For example, if I choose to date someone and have an idea that they might be involved with someone else - I have seriously just thought that it is on them... but as conversations have shown me lately, that is not true. It is a cop out and I am out of Integrity.
And so this week has brought me to recognize and finally admit it. I am out of Integrity. I have lied. I have cheated. I have done so many things that are considered sins and I no longer want to be who I am. I want a foundation of integrity in which I build my life, my business, my relationships, my life - Built on Integrity. Considering my recent visit to rock bottom, the most stable ground to build on. Integrity is the foundation, the base I pour as I continue to build.
Today’s post is about boundaries. Yes boundaries. I know weird, right? Well I have learned a lot about a shit load of things in the last little while and boundaries come up for me when I think of these very cool chicks I know. When it comes to lending ahand, these ladies don’t seem to have any boundaries. I think they would literally give you the shirts off their backs to keep you warm.
I think about the boundaries or lack thereof that I have had in life. And the backbone I feel that I am just finding. I have not said so many things in fear of upsetting people, literally just to upset someone anyways. I have allowed things to go on that I don’t want to because I want to be the cool chick that never bitches. Stuffed so many emotions so deeply inside I ate just to quiet my mind. And here Iam feeling. Wow. Ow.
What I have learned (and it may seem obvious) is that you need to say the thing. Good, bad, Ugly.... the more you stuff your words the more you drink, or smoke or self destruct. I have said what I have needed to say lately, in a way that is not pushing my opinion or telling someone to change or bitching or even nagging. I have chosen what I can no longer be quiet about.... and guess what? The world isn’t as fragile as I thought it was, and neither am I. I have said the thing and people have listened. AND are still talking to me. No one has gotten mad or stormed off or told me to fuck off (oh wait, maybe they have), but it’s ok. I didn’t die or melt or cry. And I got it out. And like they say, if someone didn’t like what I had to say, that would be too bad.
What I have struggled with is the fact that boundaries need to be reinforced. They are an interesting force that need to be tended to daily. Without constant reinforcement, being boundaries are literally words just coming out of your mouth. This is where we often fail as adults. We feel bad, we break down our wall, we let someone do something we said we wouldn’t. And there you are, back to the way things were. Tolerating. What are you tolerating? Me I am over toleration ❤️????