Today I Ate an Ant

Mar.6 - Journal Entry

Summer Vosburgh is travelling today. My thoughts go to her. Sitting here with no internet, I just trust. Funny how it happened, seems perfect. AND scary. Denise is gone and my neighbours leave tonight. Some nerves happening for me about being alone. Again, more of what I need. 

Mar.10 - Journal Entry

Forest dance. Hmmmm. What can I say about ceremonial fire dancing in the forest from midnight until sun rise? Can I not get into it because I invited someone in? Hmmmm.

I think back to when I said yes to this, to forest dance. I had no idea what it was or what would happen. When I got here, my initial thought was, what the fuck did I sign up for? I tried to blame Kylie Judge & Leah Barsher, but they wouldn't let me get away with that. I was like, what did you get me into & Kylie was like, dude - I remember suggesting it and you said yes before I even finished my sentence... so what did you get yourself into. LOL.

What this brings up for me is this interesting relationship we hold with fear and with trying to make everything perfect. If Iknew what Forest Dance was, I would not have gone AND even in going, I was uncomfortable and can't quite tell you if I loved it, but the experience was one of the best experiences of my life. I am so glad I said yes. Big lessons.

The people and community are amazing and the lessons rich in every person I experienced. Some insight: What would it be like to be in a body that doesn't really reflect who you are, but yet still does so fully? Like on a big level? When I think of stretch marks or the things I have hated on my body, it feels like it has become something I have just grasped onto to hate myself. The insights so beautiful, this place incredibly healing, conversations so deep.

Such a contrast with the connections placed in front of me thus far. Ben, Sean Webb, Doug, Heather A Longway, Beth N Brandon Steele, Chris Olsen, Evan Renaerts, Angel Ricardo Quiñones, Sara & Jon, Harry Judge, Denise MacDonald, John Judge, Kylie Judge, Leah Barsher, Shaneward Wilington, Cher Bear, Esperanza Yennie, Terry Tomei, Mollie Butler, Olivia Blue, Jason Cohen, Jason Bliss, Bodhi Michael, Jessica Lee Filkins, Karen Gordon, Rudy Pila, Hollis Taylor, Bright Hawk, Baba St. Aubin, Luke DeStefano, Sarah Bista, Ult Mundane, Ashley Berry, Tish Natashia Steenkamp, Whitney Salvador Lmt, Melodie Fallon, Ana Nephilim, Allison Waggener, Sarah Marie Echsner, Iya Soro, Joy Massicotte, and anyone else that is not my FB friend... and was in those two retreats... The lessons have been so rich and conversations so deep and I am left integrating, processing and a completely different person, yet still the same.

What comes up so fully for me is expectation, appreciation, gratefulness, faith, and love. My interactions with others are showing me more about people and the the types of people I am currently attracting, which is so great in addition to those already in my life  I hold the intention to continue to attract more in this mindset, more that hold deep lessons and connection, more that can help me to guide myself even further.

PS - Today I ate an ant.

8 hours of Yoga!

Mar. 3 - journal entry

Sitting with Harry and Denise, I was listening to them speak to being in a place of contentment. Not complacent, yet also not looking to devote their time at present to healing... As they feel in a good place at the moment AND both are single. The lesson? I am there, I just needed to realize it AND it is time to integrate all that I have learned.

Mar. 4 - journal entry

Struggling with this group mentality. Feeling like I don't fit in. Not a new story forme. It feels like no one cares about what I have to say. What I have recognized from this particular set of interactions though is that some people are just not my people. And some are. But the story I tell tends to be that I don't belong in most groups that I run in... This is why I call myself a Weirdo.... This is why I am short on close friends, I have but a few. And I could look at this differently as well, it doesn't have to be a bad thing.... And I don't think I am wrongabout how I feel. I want to be close with peeps and it just doesn't vibe. I guess I just keep looking for my tribe without judgement.

Later insight to this: what I realized is, I already have people. Why do I need to go across the world to find more? Love who and what I have with the ones in my life now! Appreciate them and stop trying to find more, I do already have so much.