Friendship

Friendship.

I needed a ride to the ferry a month ago and was at a loss for who to ask. All my friends are busy, have their own lives and are often business oriented - meaning the reason I know them is because of my work. I definitely learned 2 things. I have trouble asking for help and looking back I have not fostered my friendships.

This whole divorce thing has been hard but also very great for clearing space in my life. At first my partner was reaching out to anyone that would listen and filling them with some pretty good stories. I watched my friend count on Facebook drop and some followers on Instagram disappear. Even some family went to the dark side, lol. I went quiet. I went inside. I drank Prosecco. And that is when it hit me. Everything has been about business for me. The reason I knew I was losing friends was a number on social media, not anything to do with physical reality. This made me take a long, hard look at everything, including my business.

By letting people go and healing some energy leaks with important people in my life, I started to clear space. I recognized the friends I do have and started to attract some new ones. This weekend I came home to teach some classes and ended up getting offers to stay with my amazing students (and friends) and at first just kept saying no. I felt guilty imposing. But Erika basically told me I was staying with her and I have to be honest, I was relieved. We stayed up late talking, had morning coffee staring onto the lake, talking, and just plain enjoyed each others company.

I take away from this the beautiful and feminine skill of receiving. I have resisted accepting help from others for so long. What up with that? I definitely don't mind helping but receiving, unless you're helping me move I don't need anything. Yet, here I am. Homeless, carless, and therefore in need of assistance. I am so grateful for everyone. Everyone that encourages me in continuing to post my most vulnerable feelings and realizations. I am grateful for those that won't let me be without shelter. To Tim for lending me a car! And to each and every one of you for your support and encouragement.

I think of that quote, "No one ever said it would be easy, they just said it would be worth it." Amen.

Boundaries

Today’s post is about boundaries. Yes boundaries. I know weird, right? Well I have learned a lot about a shit load of things in the last little while and boundaries come up for me when I think of these very cool chicks I know. When it comes to lending ahand, these ladies don’t seem to have any boundaries. I think they would literally give you the shirts off their backs to keep you warm.

I think about the boundaries or lack thereof that I have had in life. And the backbone I feel that I am just finding. I have not said so many things in fear of upsetting people, literally just to upset someone anyways. I have allowed things to go on that I don’t want to because I want to be the cool chick that never bitches. Stuffed so many emotions so deeply inside I ate just to quiet my mind. And here Iam feeling. Wow. Ow.

What I have learned (and it may seem obvious) is that you need to say the thing. Good, bad, Ugly.... the more you stuff your words the more you drink, or smoke or self destruct. I have said what I have needed to say lately, in a way that is not pushing my opinion or telling someone to change or bitching or even nagging. I have chosen what I can no longer be quiet about.... and guess what? The world isn’t as fragile as I thought it was, and neither am I. I have said the thing and people have listened. AND are still talking to me. No one has gotten mad or stormed off or told me to fuck off (oh wait, maybe they have), but it’s ok. I didn’t die or melt or cry. And I got it out. And like they say, if someone didn’t like what I had to say, that would be too bad.

What I have struggled with is the fact that boundaries need to be reinforced. They are an interesting force that need to be tended to daily. Without constant reinforcement, being boundaries are literally words just coming out of your mouth. This is where we often fail as adults. We feel bad, we break down our wall, we let someone do something we said we wouldn’t. And there you are, back to the way things were. Tolerating. What are you tolerating? Me I am over toleration ❤️????