Journal entry : Went for a big dose tonight. Went to another dimension of melting and waves and totalphysical sensations. At one point I felt work being done in my crown. It felt like my skull was being mined away from my head, the pieces falling into the deep abyss inside my head. My connection to Spirit, to my true essence opened up more, stronger. Then, simultaneously, actual physical shifts, almost like cracks in one's spine began to my entire Chakra system, from root to throat. The third eye was last. The mining came from inside and funnelled out. A beam of light from my third eye. And.... I loved myself. I felt deep, intense, beautiful love for myself and everyone else there. I was taken on a journey and shown the family ties of staff here at Arkana. It confirmed my decision to return to the jungle to assist with ceremonies and teach yoga. Assisting people in their own transformations. (More info later).
I have been purging since my first sip of this bitter brew, but not out of my mouth, lol. Well this streak changed last night. My purge - whoa! It was so welcome! Something I have thought of for years. I felt years of shit birthed, expelled, released, like a demon forced from my body.
Angel's analogy regarding the releasing of all these things in my life - all of this is like clipping your nails, you know they are a part of you, but you don't need them anymore.
I Got Served!
Today I am headed to the mainland to teach some yoga!!!!! Yes!!!! At Oxygen Yoga and Fitness Chilliwack both tonight and tomorrow night. And it is just what I need, because today “I Got Served” with divorce papers.
This is not a sad day, it is actually a great day. I have been married to the father of mychildren for 14 really great years. Our marriage, I believe, has been happier than many, mainly because we haven’t been together for most of those years. Our marriage has saved me from marrying other people, most importantly. We have also supported each other through countless breakups, daily drama and most importantly co-parented 2 really fucking amazing and phenomenal children. And it is coming to an end. It’s like another huge step on this really crazy journey.
What could the lesson be here? Letting go. Closing a door on one thing to open it up for another. I am afraid to fill this empty partner spot right now, but what I am figuring out is that I never really emptied it. I have kept it half filled with this marriage, with who I needed at the time and now it is time to clear the space.
In the meantime I have had such a great time here on the island. Connecting with my family-both assigned and chosen. I am so in love with the choices I am making, as lonely and scary as them sometimes feel.
Today what comes to mind is shame. The word shame. The feelings of shame. A lot of the stuff that comes up around trauma, for myself and for others, is shame. Shame really means that you think something is wrong with you. That what happened to you has something to do with the way you are. But it is that thought that holds on to trauma, holds on to old patterns and beliefs, and manages to keep you small - to keep you in shame.
I have shame around my body. A lot of shame around my physical appearance. Shame around my sexual appetite and preferences. Shame shame shame. And I release it. I am leaving it behind here in Bali.
And I started with some naked suntanning. I am me. That’s it. I am not defined by anyone’s definition of beauty but my own. And I love that.