Wow. Travelled all night to get here. Cusco and then the Sacred Valley. Had a massive breakdown today. Sat in the shower and cried. Had a nap, cried somemore. Total fucking breakdown. I didn't know what to do, under the effects of Medicine and then 8 hours of travelling with the biggest breakdown ever, I literally thought I wouldn't stop crying and would also maybe die (this emotion thing new to me). I started reaching out, trying to distract myself instead of just let it out. Istarted missing the boys from the jungle, started hating it here. Then I reached out to Sarah (a girl that came from the jungle with me). Best move ever. Went to her room and broke the fuck down while she held me. Shared some of my story with her and had the biggest breakthrough!
Just to add to the story, last night I went to see my friends and say goodbye. I ended up in conversation with one that went deep. I talked about wondering if I was addicted to sex, why did I always have this insatiable appetite for it and based all my relationship success in the quantity and quality of relations? B en told me I was more of a love addict than anything. I disagreed. Lol. I don't want love. We talked about meaningless sex being meaningless and a waste of time. He said, trust me darlin, you like the connection.
Back to the breakdown..... I was sharing with Sarah all of the this while she rubbed me and lovedme and held me and I was telling her stories of my past and I could feel a release at my core. My body let go of years and years of holding back, 39 years of tears. At first it felt like death. I was trying to do whatever I could to get away from it and when I listened to my intuition and leaned into it, it was amazing. Deep release. Complete let go.
What came through was the need I don't want to see. The need for touch, love, connection. This is why I have sex. It has been the only time I have allowed others to touch me or me touch others and I crave it, but don't want to admit it. I spend so much time not cuddling, not hugging, not showing affection, not holding hands or even kissing. And I feel deep apologies to all for that - friends, family and partners.
The barriers have been broken. I am open. No need to ever hold back tears again. No need to tense up when someone touches me. No need to not touch. And ask for help! Deep work today.