Mar.6 - Journal Entry
Summer Vosburgh is travelling today. My thoughts go to her. Sitting here with no internet, I just trust. Funny how it happened, seems perfect. AND scary. Denise is gone and my neighbours leave tonight. Some nerves happening for me about being alone. Again, more of what I need.
Mar.10 - Journal Entry
Forest dance. Hmmmm. What can I say about ceremonial fire dancing in the forest from midnight until sun rise? Can I not get into it because I invited someone in? Hmmmm.
I think back to when I said yes to this, to forest dance. I had no idea what it was or what would happen. When I got here, my initial thought was, what the fuck did I sign up for? I tried to blame Kylie Judge & Leah Barsher, but they wouldn't let me get away with that. I was like, what did you get me into & Kylie was like, dude - I remember suggesting it and you said yes before I even finished my sentence... so what did you get yourself into. LOL.
What this brings up for me is this interesting relationship we hold with fear and with trying to make everything perfect. If Iknew what Forest Dance was, I would not have gone AND even in going, I was uncomfortable and can't quite tell you if I loved it, but the experience was one of the best experiences of my life. I am so glad I said yes. Big lessons.
The people and community are amazing and the lessons rich in every person I experienced. Some insight: What would it be like to be in a body that doesn't really reflect who you are, but yet still does so fully? Like on a big level? When I think of stretch marks or the things I have hated on my body, it feels like it has become something I have just grasped onto to hate myself. The insights so beautiful, this place incredibly healing, conversations so deep.
Such a contrast with the connections placed in front of me thus far. Ben, Sean Webb, Doug, Heather A Longway, Beth N Brandon Steele, Chris Olsen, Evan Renaerts, Angel Ricardo Quiñones, Sara & Jon, Harry Judge, Denise MacDonald, John Judge, Kylie Judge, Leah Barsher, Shaneward Wilington, Cher Bear, Esperanza Yennie, Terry Tomei, Mollie Butler, Olivia Blue, Jason Cohen, Jason Bliss, Bodhi Michael, Jessica Lee Filkins, Karen Gordon, Rudy Pila, Hollis Taylor, Bright Hawk, Baba St. Aubin, Luke DeStefano, Sarah Bista, Ult Mundane, Ashley Berry, Tish Natashia Steenkamp, Whitney Salvador Lmt, Melodie Fallon, Ana Nephilim, Allison Waggener, Sarah Marie Echsner, Iya Soro, Joy Massicotte, and anyone else that is not my FB friend... and was in those two retreats... The lessons have been so rich and conversations so deep and I am left integrating, processing and a completely different person, yet still the same.
What comes up so fully for me is expectation, appreciation, gratefulness, faith, and love. My interactions with others are showing me more about people and the the types of people I am currently attracting, which is so great in addition to those already in my life I hold the intention to continue to attract more in this mindset, more that hold deep lessons and connection, more that can help me to guide myself even further.
PS - Today I ate an ant.
Mar.1 - Journal Entry
Yesterday was a day of insights. I did over 8 hours of yoga. Over 3.5 hours of physical asana & 2.5 hours of dancing and then ended with an astral projection meditation. What I recognized was more worth issues around the actions I have been taking in my personal & professional life. I see the impact that it has on me vibrationally to be with a person that has a partner. AND without anger, I see the way they are using me to feel better about themselves by bringing me into their entanglement.
I see how not being number 1 or the one or the next main interest is a cop out for me. I don't have to put myself out there. I can always blame any rejection on outside circumstances & yet... it decreases and impacts my self worth even more because I am the other. I am allowing myself to be used. I have been doing it unconsciously - aware that there may be another person involved in this energetic exchange, but putting that responsibility on the person I am with. My friend Denise pointed out though, that if we are all one and I am skirting the responsibility of finding out this person has a partner or if I am aware that there is another... this impacts us all... Deeply! We are to raise each other up, not tear each other down.
Today I take responsibility... AND I see my worth.
Feb. 27 - Integrity
More conversations with Denise, bringing me closer to my true essence. At this moment, the conversation revolves around integrity. To be honest and admit to something that I don't love admitting to, I have cheated on almost every person I have ever been in relationship with. I know. Harsh.
I pride myself on saying I don't lie & again, when it comes down to being honest with myself, I must say that I have really discovered a way to push the boundaries in pretty much everything that I do. When it comes to honesty, what I have done all my life is basically tell the person the answer to the question that they asked and nothing more. So basically, if you don't ask theright question, you may not get the full answer. I will leave parts out so I don't have to listen to bitching or say some pieces of the story (unless asked) that would upset the other. And as I grow and learn, I am realizing it is dishonest to live that way and therefore, I am out of Integrity.
Even further on this growth journey, I am starting to recognize the ways I have been skirting the boundaries of integrity with other people and my relationships. For example, if I choose to date someone and have an idea that they might be involved with someone else - I have seriously just thought that it is on them... but as conversations have shown me lately, that is not true. It is a cop out and I am out of Integrity.
And so this week has brought me to recognize and finally admit it. I am out of Integrity. I have lied. I have cheated. I have done so many things that are considered sins and I no longer want to be who I am. I want a foundation of integrity in which I build my life, my business, my relationships, my life - Built on Integrity. Considering my recent visit to rock bottom, the most stable ground to build on. Integrity is the foundation, the base I pour as I continue to build.
The End of this Medicine!
Journal Entry - Feb. 23
San Pedro was yesterday. Such a beautiful medicine & my crazy, kick ass, hero dosing body has become uber sensitive. Everything was so beautiful yesterday. Thelagoon, the people, life. And I had too much, LOL! I craved touch yesterday so deeply & longed for connection. I felt like I didn't quite connect with the group even though I really wanted to. The group felt younger than me, there for different reasons. I felt I didn't fit in. This isnot a new fee ling for me. I feel I don't fit in quite often.
What I do see is that constant want to be liked, by everybody, all the time. And the truth is, it's just not possible. It's not real. This part of the journey gave me more of a chance to sit, to reflect, to feel lonely. Something I needed, but didn't necessarily want.
The lessons are rich and all around, ripe for the taking. I just have to open up tothem & also remember them! The journey is not ending, but rather continuing and I can't help reflect on how deep this medicine has truly helped me to heal myself. Kambo, 7 ayahausca, 2 sapo, a sweat, san pedro & rape (chill it is like snuff with an accented e but don't know how to do that... :0). 30 years of trauma release & nervous system detox - crying, shaking, journeying, purging, connecting, loving, journalling & travel. 10 years of therapy in 2 weeks. Now off to Costa Rica for a month!!!!
A perfect end. After the usual terrifying piece, all calmed. I built a world under blankets and felt all the sensations - Visual, auditory & physical. Overwhelming sensations. Why does it have to be so terrible? I talk myself through it. What comes to me now is this trouble I have with control. My need to know who, what, why, where & when & most of all - HOW?
She takes away my control & takes me to the 5th dimension. A place where you can feel the inside of your body, where you are not separate from anything. Being so significance driven & so control & outcome focused, this world would be terrifying.
Last night was the first time I asked for help. Assistance to the bathroom, where I was able to find this world. The present. Then back to my mat for love. My reflections on my sapo experience & this feeling of overwhelming gratitude. Gratitude, firstly for my family - the Frik-Shuhn family. The people that give a shit, that read my posts and support and loveme, just as I am. Then I moved to the people in the room. The group. Such immense love for everyone in their processes. So beautiful, so much love. Then to Sean & Ben & Doug. So in love with these men. Words I needed to hear post Sapo. That they give a shit. That they love me. Broken, collecting all the pieces off the floor, ready to put them all back together one day soon.
Aya Camp - Big breakthrough!
Wow. Travelled all night to get here. Cusco and then the Sacred Valley. Had a massive breakdown today. Sat in the shower and cried. Had a nap, cried somemore. Total fucking breakdown. I didn't know what to do, under the effects of Medicine and then 8 hours of travelling with the biggest breakdown ever, I literally thought I wouldn't stop crying and would also maybe die (this emotion thing new to me). I started reaching out, trying to distract myself instead of just let it out. Istarted missing the boys from the jungle, started hating it here. Then I reached out to Sarah (a girl that came from the jungle with me). Best move ever. Went to her room and broke the fuck down while she held me. Shared some of my story with her and had the biggest breakthrough!
Just to add to the story, last night I went to see my friends and say goodbye. I ended up in conversation with one that went deep. I talked about wondering if I was addicted to sex, why did I always have this insatiable appetite for it and based all my relationship success in the quantity and quality of relations? B en told me I was more of a love addict than anything. I disagreed. Lol. I don't want love. We talked about meaningless sex being meaningless and a waste of time. He said, trust me darlin, you like the connection.
Back to the breakdown..... I was sharing with Sarah all of the this while she rubbed me and lovedme and held me and I was telling her stories of my past and I could feel a release at my core. My body let go of years and years of holding back, 39 years of tears. At first it felt like death. I was trying to do whatever I could to get away from it and when I listened to my intuition and leaned into it, it was amazing. Deep release. Complete let go.
What came through was the need I don't want to see. The need for touch, love, connection. This is why I have sex. It has been the only time I have allowed others to touch me or me touch others and I crave it, but don't want to admit it. I spend so much time not cuddling, not hugging, not showing affection, not holding hands or even kissing. And I feel deep apologies to all for that - friends, family and partners.
The barriers have been broken. I am open. No need to ever hold back tears again. No need to tense up when someone touches me. No need to not touch. And ask for help! Deep work today.