Today I Ate an Ant

Mar.6 - Journal Entry

Summer Vosburgh is travelling today. My thoughts go to her. Sitting here with no internet, I just trust. Funny how it happened, seems perfect. AND scary. Denise is gone and my neighbours leave tonight. Some nerves happening for me about being alone. Again, more of what I need.

Mar.10 - Journal Entry

Forest dance. Hmmmm. What can I say about ceremonial fire dancing in the forest from midnight until sun rise? Can I not get into it because I invited someone in? Hmmmm.

I think back to when I said yes to this, to forest dance. I had no idea what it was or what would happen. When I got here, my initial thought was, what the fuck did I sign up for? I tried to blame Kylie Judge & Leah Barsher, but they wouldn't let me get away with that. I was like, what did you get me into & Kylie was like, dude - I remember suggesting it and you said yes before I even finished my sentence... so what did you get yourself into. LOL.

What this brings up for me is this interesting relationship we hold with fear and with trying to make everything perfect. If Iknew what Forest Dance was, I would not have gone AND even in going, I was uncomfortable and can't quite tell you if I loved it, but the experience was one of the best experiences of my life. I am so glad I said yes. Big lessons.

The people and community are amazing and the lessons rich in every person I experienced. Some insight: What would it be like to be in a body that doesn't really reflect who you are, but yet still does so fully? Like on a big level? When I think of stretch marks or the things I have hated on my body, it feels like it has become something I have just grasped onto to hate myself. The insights so beautiful, this place incredibly healing, conversations so deep.

Such a contrast with the connections placed in front of me thus far. Ben, Sean Webb, Doug, Heather A Longway, Beth N Brandon Steele, Chris Olsen, Evan Renaerts, Angel Ricardo Quiñones, Sara & Jon, Harry Judge, Denise MacDonald, John Judge, Kylie Judge, Leah Barsher, Shaneward Wilington, Cher Bear, Esperanza Yennie, Terry Tomei, Mollie Butler, Olivia Blue, Jason Cohen, Jason Bliss, Bodhi Michael, Jessica Lee Filkins, Karen Gordon, Rudy Pila, Hollis Taylor, Bright Hawk, Baba St. Aubin, Luke DeStefano, Sarah Bista, Ult Mundane, Ashley Berry, Tish Natashia Steenkamp, Whitney Salvador Lmt, Melodie Fallon, Ana Nephilim, Allison Waggener, Sarah Marie Echsner, Iya Soro, Joy Massicotte, and anyone else that is not my FB friend... and was in those two retreats... The lessons have been so rich and conversations so deep and I am left integrating, processing and a completely different person, yet still the same.

What comes up so fully for me is expectation, appreciation, gratefulness, faith, and love. My interactions with others are showing me more about people and the the types of people I am currently attracting, which is so great in addition to those already in my life I hold the intention to continue to attract more in this mindset, more that hold deep lessons and connection, more that can help me to guide myself even further.

PS - Today I ate an ant.

My Worth

Mar.1 - Journal Entry

Yesterday was a day of insights. I did over 8 hours of yoga. Over 3.5 hours of physical asana & 2.5 hours of dancing and then ended with an astral projection meditation. What I recognized was more worth issues around the actions I have been taking in my personal & professional life. I see the impact that it has on me vibrationally to be with a person that has a partner. AND without anger, I see the way they are using me to feel better about themselves by bringing me into their entanglement.

I see how not being number 1 or the one or the next main interest is a cop out for me. I don't have to put myself out there. I can always blame any rejection on outside circumstances & yet... it decreases and impacts my self worth even more because I am the other. I am allowing myself to be used. I have been doing it unconsciously - aware that there may be another person involved in this energetic exchange, but putting that responsibility on the person I am with. My friend Denise pointed out though, that if we are all one and I am skirting the responsibility of finding out this person has a partner or if I am aware that there is another... this impacts us all... Deeply! We are to raise each other up, not tear each other down.

Today I take responsibility... AND I see my worth.

Funny How Things Go...

Funny how things go... Envision Yoga Festival was the first plan I made post decision to sell everything I own after a Clarity Breathwork Session. Kylie Judge & Leah Barsher ran a special session for my clients and invited me to join them at Envision & Forest Dance here in Costa Rica.... without really knowing what they were, I was quick to say yes. They invited me to stay with them in a hostel, my first hostel and I was a bit apprehensive about it, so Kylie introduced me to Denise. Funny enough, Denise MacDonald and I chose to hang out prior to the festival, without ever considering we wouldn't get along.

Today (Feb.25) I was sitting with Denise at my fave little spot in Dominical, where I was breathed back to life. Denise coached me back to reality, thank God. She gave me 2 different analogies that I will share:

#1 was what happened to me. She said it was like the loonie tunes moment when the coyote runs off the cliff and the Road Runner makes him aware that he can't fly... then he looks down and falls hard. From that experience breeds fear and moving forward is halted. WOW!!! That is exactly what happened!!!

#2 was her bungee jumping story. We are so alike. So she tells me about how she was with a group and they decide to get avideo of them jumping. She was afraid, so she went first. She jumped and kind of jumped in a way that when she hit the bottom of the rope it kind of whiplashed her and it didn't feel super great, but she had gone and was all good. At the end, after everyone had jumped, they said, well only one more to go - Denise, it is your turn. Denise was like, no I went first. They apologized, said they didn't get her jump on video and that she needed to jump again (free jump). Because she didn't jump head first, her experience had been jarring and she didn't want to do it again. The second time knowing what to expect... She got all hooked up and then refused to jump, said it was too scary. It became a thing, the line up was getting long and she didn't want to jump, so they called in the calvary. A guy came and sat on theplatform with her and explained that the longer she sat there the stronger the fear in the pit of her stomach would grow and that it would just get worse and that her only option was to jump. So she did. She said the second time was 10x harder to jump than the first time, BUT if she didn't jump, she would be letting fear win & that would seep into her life.

The next lesson that fit in here at this moment was my roommate in the sacred valley. She had been left with debt and worked her ass off for 2 years, working 2 jobs until she paid it off and got to zero.

Denise said usually what gets in people's way are 2 things, #1 not knowing how to start & #2 nerves around going live, being seen, etc. And neither of those are issues for me, so... on top of that I have more ideas and material, so time to go for it.

What came to me in that moment was not leaving Costa Rica, not going back to the jungle and staying here and getting to work. This for me took the focus off of finding a connection with someone and gave me a goal. Work, pay cheap bills, and get that student loan gone. And now I am pumped.

The connection must wait. The connection is just a distraction, I need to be me. To find me. To clean up my biz. To dedicate my time to a consistent routine. To get a schedule. To stop having excuses and yet stop being so hard on myself.

Aya Camp Entry #7?

Ceremony #7
A perfect end. After the usual terrifying piece, all calmed. I built a world under blankets and felt all the sensations - Visual, auditory & physical. Overwhelming sensations. Why does it have to be so terrible? I talk myself through it. What comes to me now is this trouble I have with control. My need to know who, what, why, where & when & most of all - HOW?

She takes away my control & takes me to the 5th dimension. A place where you can feel the inside of your body, where you are not separate from anything. Being so significance driven & so control & outcome focused, this world would be terrifying.

Last night was the first time I asked for help. Assistance to the bathroom, where I was able to find this world. The present. Then back to my mat for love. My reflections on my sapo experience & this feeling of overwhelming gratitude. Gratitude, firstly for my family - the Frik-Shuhn family. The people that give a shit, that read my posts and support and loveme, just as I am. Then I moved to the people in the room. The group. Such immense love for everyone in their processes. So beautiful, so much love. Then to Sean & Ben & Doug. So in love with these men. Words I needed to hear post Sapo. That they give a shit. That they love me. Broken, collecting all the pieces off the floor, ready to put them all back together one day soon.

Aya Camp Entry #5 - The big dose

Journey #5

Journal entry :
Went for a big dose tonight. Went to another dimension of melting and waves and totalphysical sensations. At one point I felt work being done in my crown. It felt like my skull was being mined away from my head, the pieces falling into the deep abyss inside my head. My connection to Spirit, to my true essence opened up more, stronger. Then, simultaneously, actual physical shifts, almost like cracks in one's spine began to my entire Chakra system, from root to throat. The third eye was last. The mining came from inside and funnelled out. A beam of light from my third eye. And.... I loved myself. I felt deep, intense, beautiful love for myself and everyone else there. I was taken on a journey and shown the family ties of staff here at Arkana. It confirmed my decision to return to the jungle to assist with ceremonies and teach yoga. Assisting people in their own transformations. (More info later).

I have been purging since my first sip of this bitter brew, but not out of my mouth, lol. Well this streak changed last night. My purge - whoa! It was so welcome! Something I have thought of for years. I felt years of shit birthed, expelled, released, like a demon forced from my body.

Angel's analogy regarding the releasing of all these things in my life - all of this is like clipping your nails, you know they are a part of you, but you don't need them anymore.

Aya Camp Entry #3 - Rock Bottom

What I wrote after ceremony #3.

Yesterday was the most beautiful Valentine's day I have ever had. I officiallyunboycott the day as it now has so much more meaning. How beautiful an annual reminder of the day I fell in love with myself. The day I saw my worth. The day I came to grips with the beauty I truly hold inside.

Last night I embarked on a journey with this amazing plant as my guide. I dive bombed a cannon ball into the deepest pit of despair and officially hit rock bottom. On the way down, the haunting visions of all that I have refused to feel or admit or touch on were pushing me down further until finally I was an egg, cracked open, yoke broken. RAW & VULNERABLE until my ego finally admitted defeat.

I did it. I asked for help. Lef t at the bottom of the deepest crack this earth has, I wondered, "Now what?" How can this cracked egg navigate the world? Guided and surrounded by the 3 beautiful shamans and their ancient wisdom, I started to build and climb. The most solid foundation is built from rock bottom.

I made my way back to the top. My fears & worries were not victors or foes but rather allies & friends guiding me here. To this moment in time. With these people. At this place. On valentine's day. The fears needed to be seen and acknowledged and no longer pushed away. Self love is not what I thought it was. Not as I expected. I have found new respect for the word discipline and the importance of its presence in my life. I have also forgiven myself for everything. I have healed to the core of my being. I recognize there is a path and I am so glad to continue to walk it. To hit all the monuments and attractions along the way.

I have agonized that this was the biggest mistake I have ever made in my life. Leaving Paul,selling everything I own with no end goal other than faith, love and gratefulness. To leave my girls, to be so selfish, to keep doing it despite nagging and relentless voices telling me I'm crazy. Greedy. A piece of shit. Last night I saw the best decision I have every made.

My purpose is to be. I touch others at a soul level and now own that. I connect. I love. Again arriving to my path. Truly embodying that the end of the path is not what I am searching for, but rather the journey. I have been walking by the roses for so many years. And finally, their aroma is slowing me down, seducing me and having me look around. I have arrived, truly, in this moment.

Arriving

So yesterday was a big day. The start of the retreat. We were to all meet up for the shuttle. There we all get to check each other out, size each other up and see who we are with for thenext at least 7 days. Well of course my group is the coolest. 2 ex-navy seals, an expert in artificial emotional intelligence, a married couple from California, 2 cute boys fromOntario, a sweetheart on his 40th+ journey and the coolest chick I could dare to hang out with, with 5 more people to meet at the centre.

2 hours of driving through the country side, with the best meal ever and then 1.5 hours by boat on the largest river I have ever seen. Good conversation and deep connection right off the bat and a fuck ton of laughs. I nicknamed3people immediately. Lol.

We arrived at this isolated village on stilts to music and dancers. It was surreal. Intros, orientation, our rooms and food! We heard about kambo and what that ceremony would look like at 6am and finished the day off with a nunu ceremony. Wow.

Spiders, mosquitoes and then crazy rain throughout the night meant barley any sleep. Upat sunrise for the kambo. Wow. Again. I think I know what death feels like, lol. A bit of purgingand everyone says I look like a different person.... Hmmm.

A one on one with the shamans where I share my deepest traumas and history and ayahauscaceremony #1 tonight. Anticipation without expectation. A difficult space to hold. Tonight is establishing a connection with the medicine. Wish me luck, let's hope she likes me. ❤️

Landing in Peru

After 22 hours of travel,I landed in Iquitos, I left the airport in a tuk tuk, and as I sat in the 35• weather headed to town and checked out the scenery, it finally it hit me. Here I am doing this alone. I travel alone quite regularly, but often to meet people. Go on a retreat with friends or to Tony Robbins where I know people, and, I am going on a retreat and meeting with people in Costa Ricabut at this moment the reality of everything that has been building for the last 6 months came to light.

I talked with so many single travellers, all male. Everyone surprised by my journey mainly because of my vagina. Well fuck it (but not really because the ayahausca diet forbids it for 2 weeks prior, during and 2 weeks after lol). I am detoxing here with no coffee, or sugar, or dairy, or as mentioned sex OR alcohol. And other than the dull headache, I feel... I don't want to fill in anymore because I think that sentence says more than any label could. I feel.

A newer feeling for me. Feeling in general. And those of you that knew me even a year ago knew I didn't even feel comfortable with physical touch. I would rather not hug or cuddle or hold hands and now here I am. The hugger with emotions lol... Wtf?

As I talk to more people and hear about their experiences with the medicine, the anticipation right now is at an all time high. I literally can not wait to get to the jungle. I have to remind myself to stay present. To enjoy the cooking. * cooking is what happens basically from the time that you make the decision to partake in the medicine, it's literally all of your shit starting to boil to the surface * And that has been happening to me and I am well aware of it. The closer to the time of actual ingestion, the more intense.

When I was in Chilliwack last weekend there was a lot for me to stew about. One thing that stands out is my issues around rejection and how I let that effect me. In fact, in sharing, I recognized how it effects most people (I want to say everyone but God knows there will be that one person in denial). The fear of rejection seems to stop us from reaching out to others and saying the things that we really want to say. What I've recognized is that it's a pitiful excuse. To not tell someone you like them or love them because you are afraid they won't say the same back is also bottling your emotions. And it causes stress, emotional pain and, eventually, physical ailments. Add up all the things you haven't said in your life (both positive and negative) and tell me your healthy, lol.

I know I said fuck it last weekend. I reached out to my mom a while ago, I cyber-stalked a cute boy and called him, I told almost every person in my life I loved them and I have shared a bit of my upset with those I needed to (carefully as that can be a slippery slope of blame as opposed to personal responsibility). Let me tell you, not one of those things worked out the way I wanted them to. Lol. Not one. All of them went in the way of rejection. My Mom has not responded when I thought she would jump all over it, the boy didn't meet me and no one said sorry or owned their shit with explanation. Fuck.

But I did it anyway and I didn't make it mean anything about me. Because really I think that is what we are worried about,right? If I say I love you and you don't say it back, that means I am unloveable. If I chase after that boy or girl and they don't like me back that means I am ugly or fat or insert your flaws here. And it's not the truth. What is the truth you ask? The truth is objective and without emotion. The truth is you said I love you to someone and they didn't say it back. That's it. It doesn't mean you are unloveable or even that they don't love you back, you never know what is going on with someone else, it just means at that moment, they didn't say it back.

So fuck rejection. Seriously. You know I speak on living out of your comfort zone.... Well that doesn't mean sell everything you own and move to the jungle, it just means say something that scares you, everyday. Or start with once a week. Say I love you or no or yes or hi, my name is. Feel the fear and do it anyway.

Goodbye Colynn!

This is how I feel today as I sit at the airport, ready to fly!

Today I set off for who knows how long. To go do who knows what, who knows where lol. Well I know a bit. Tomorrow at this time I will be landing in Iquitos, Peru. I will be whisked off into the Amazon for an incredible journey into myself. As mentioned I have battled loneliness and just want to let it go. I want to love ME as much as I loved Paul when I met him. And I will. In fact I sometimes wonder if just by setting that intention, I already do.

Sitting here at Vino Volo, not drinking wine and just wanting to be in Peru already I am reminded about the journey in general. In life, and in flight, it's important not to forget about how important the journey is.

This morning on the ferry I met a woman that I talked to for the entire ferry ride. She was older, super kind and had experienced very little trauma in her life. She was a wealth of positive knowledge and she reminded me of realities I sometimes forget about because I don't often intact with them. I would have missed her if I was in a hurry.

So I imagine there will be some interesting posts to come, but for now you get a goodbye. And a nervous smile. ❤️