Ownership

Mar. 26 - Journal Entry

OWNERSHIP

Up until recently, every relationship I have been in has been about ownership. Being together means property. This means I get to tell you what to do and I have to listen or not, to what you tell me to do. We can fight if either doesn’t “listen”, etc. I have been that way but not to an extreme & have been shifting for the last few years, but have maintained some control over my significant other.

I have thought lots about old patterns of jealousy & upset and not speaking up & not being honest and now in this moment recognize that I was manipulative & could claim the victim if things didn’t work out. On this journey I have been introduced to a lot of ways of being that I didn’t even know existed. A lot of labels as well.

Is a relationship two individual people that come together to explore this life or part of this life together and what are the rules around that? With open relationships, polyamory, fluidity, sapiosexuals, and a million other LABELS the evolution of relationship sure looks differentthan what my parents and grandparents partook in. As of late, my idea of the only boundaries being open, honest & transparent communication seems to be what I am seeking. Being a serial monogamous, I am not sure how all the other things would fly with me, but I can imagine that with constant communication anything can either be worked through or explored without ownership or rules by rather with mutual respect and love.

Costa Rica, my love.

Journal Entry - Feb. 24

Off to Costa Rica for a month and on another plane. Thinking of the # of planes I have been on in the last few years is crazy. Lots of thinking happens on travel days. It was just a little over 2 and a half years ago that I hired a coach and set the intention to travel more. And travel I have.

Today I feel anger. It's strong in the pit of my stomach, and I also feel loneliness. I am so angry at Paul OR better stated I feel anger in my body and direct or attach it to Paul. Why? Why did things go this way? Why didn't he do it different? LOL. Like the way I wanted it done? I can only practice the feeling of the feelings and to release my emotions. I can't do anything more than I have already done. And that, I think, is the hardest thing. I have to remember enlightenment - the lessons of the true self, of trust of true, unconditional love, of nothing else mattering. I must let go of all of this attachment I carry and just completely surrender. I must meditate. I must love. I must send Paul love. I am ok. Everything is ok. Everything is going to be ok!