So yesterday was a big day. The start of the retreat. We were to all meet up for the shuttle. There we all get to check each other out, size each other up and see who we are with for thenext at least 7 days. Well of course my group is the coolest. 2 ex-navy seals, an expert in artificial emotional intelligence, a married couple from California, 2 cute boys fromOntario, a sweetheart on his 40th+ journey and the coolest chick I could dare to hang out with, with 5 more people to meet at the centre.
2 hours of driving through the country side, with the best meal ever and then 1.5 hours by boat on the largest river I have ever seen. Good conversation and deep connection right off the bat and a fuck ton of laughs. I nicknamed3people immediately. Lol.
We arrived at this isolated village on stilts to music and dancers. It was surreal. Intros, orientation, our rooms and food! We heard about kambo and what that ceremony would look like at 6am and finished the day off with a nunu ceremony. Wow.
Spiders, mosquitoes and then crazy rain throughout the night meant barley any sleep. Upat sunrise for the kambo. Wow. Again. I think I know what death feels like, lol. A bit of purgingand everyone says I look like a different person.... Hmmm.
A one on one with the shamans where I share my deepest traumas and history and ayahauscaceremony #1 tonight. Anticipation without expectation. A difficult space to hold. Tonight is establishing a connection with the medicine. Wish me luck, let's hope she likes me. ❤️
After 22 hours of travel,I landed in Iquitos, I left the airport in a tuk tuk, and as I sat in the 35• weather headed to town and checked out the scenery, it finally it hit me. Here I am doing this alone. I travel alone quite regularly, but often to meet people. Go on a retreat with friends or to Tony Robbins where I know people, and, I am going on a retreat and meeting with people in Costa Ricabut at this moment the reality of everything that has been building for the last 6 months came to light.
I talked with so many single travellers, all male. Everyone surprised by my journey mainly because of my vagina. Well fuck it (but not really because the ayahausca diet forbids it for 2 weeks prior, during and 2 weeks after lol). I am detoxing here with no coffee, or sugar, or dairy, or as mentioned sex OR alcohol. And other than the dull headache, I feel... I don't want to fill in anymore because I think that sentence says more than any label could. I feel.
A newer feeling for me. Feeling in general. And those of you that knew me even a year ago knew I didn't even feel comfortable with physical touch. I would rather not hug or cuddle or hold hands and now here I am. The hugger with emotions lol... Wtf?
As I talk to more people and hear about their experiences with the medicine, the anticipation right now is at an all time high. I literally can not wait to get to the jungle. I have to remind myself to stay present. To enjoy the cooking. * cooking is what happens basically from the time that you make the decision to partake in the medicine, it's literally all of your shit starting to boil to the surface * And that has been happening to me and I am well aware of it. The closer to the time of actual ingestion, the more intense.
When I was in Chilliwack last weekend there was a lot for me to stew about. One thing that stands out is my issues around rejection and how I let that effect me. In fact, in sharing, I recognized how it effects most people (I want to say everyone but God knows there will be that one person in denial). The fear of rejection seems to stop us from reaching out to others and saying the things that we really want to say. What I've recognized is that it's a pitiful excuse. To not tell someone you like them or love them because you are afraid they won't say the same back is also bottling your emotions. And it causes stress, emotional pain and, eventually, physical ailments. Add up all the things you haven't said in your life (both positive and negative) and tell me your healthy, lol.
I know I said fuck it last weekend. I reached out to my mom a while ago, I cyber-stalked a cute boy and called him, I told almost every person in my life I loved them and I have shared a bit of my upset with those I needed to (carefully as that can be a slippery slope of blame as opposed to personal responsibility). Let me tell you, not one of those things worked out the way I wanted them to. Lol. Not one. All of them went in the way of rejection. My Mom has not responded when I thought she would jump all over it, the boy didn't meet me and no one said sorry or owned their shit with explanation. Fuck.
But I did it anyway and I didn't make it mean anything about me. Because really I think that is what we are worried about,right? If I say I love you and you don't say it back, that means I am unloveable. If I chase after that boy or girl and they don't like me back that means I am ugly or fat or insert your flaws here. And it's not the truth. What is the truth you ask? The truth is objective and without emotion. The truth is you said I love you to someone and they didn't say it back. That's it. It doesn't mean you are unloveable or even that they don't love you back, you never know what is going on with someone else, it just means at that moment, they didn't say it back.
So fuck rejection. Seriously. You know I speak on living out of your comfort zone.... Well that doesn't mean sell everything you own and move to the jungle, it just means say something that scares you, everyday. Or start with once a week. Say I love you or no or yes or hi, my name is. Feel the fear and do it anyway.