Aya Camp Entry #3 - Rock Bottom
What I wrote after ceremony #3.
Yesterday was the most beautiful Valentine's day I have ever had. I officiallyunboycott the day as it now has so much more meaning. How beautiful an annual reminder of the day I fell in love with myself. The day I saw my worth. The day I came to grips with the beauty I truly hold inside.
Last night I embarked on a journey with this amazing plant as my guide. I dive bombed a cannon ball into the deepest pit of despair and officially hit rock bottom. On the way down, the haunting visions of all that I have refused to feel or admit or touch on were pushing me down further until finally I was an egg, cracked open, yoke broken. RAW & VULNERABLE until my ego finally admitted defeat.
I did it. I asked for help. Lef t at the bottom of the deepest crack this earth has, I wondered, "Now what?" How can this cracked egg navigate the world? Guided and surrounded by the 3 beautiful shamans and their ancient wisdom, I started to build and climb. The most solid foundation is built from rock bottom.
I made my way back to the top. My fears & worries were not victors or foes but rather allies & friends guiding me here. To this moment in time. With these people. At this place. On valentine's day. The fears needed to be seen and acknowledged and no longer pushed away. Self love is not what I thought it was. Not as I expected. I have found new respect for the word discipline and the importance of its presence in my life. I have also forgiven myself for everything. I have healed to the core of my being. I recognize there is a path and I am so glad to continue to walk it. To hit all the monuments and attractions along the way.
I have agonized that this was the biggest mistake I have ever made in my life. Leaving Paul,selling everything I own with no end goal other than faith, love and gratefulness. To leave my girls, to be so selfish, to keep doing it despite nagging and relentless voices telling me I'm crazy. Greedy. A piece of shit. Last night I saw the best decision I have every made.
My purpose is to be. I touch others at a soul level and now own that. I connect. I love. Again arriving to my path. Truly embodying that the end of the path is not what I am searching for, but rather the journey. I have been walking by the roses for so many years. And finally, their aroma is slowing me down, seducing me and having me look around. I have arrived, truly, in this moment.