MY intention : to find the strength to carry on and finish the 2 hour ceremony and carry that strength into my life.
Analogy : I was shown me walking through an abyss of dark just r eaching out to grab whatever I can hold onto. BUT in the SWEAT it represents the same and I didn't grab out for anything. I stayed close to the fire. I didn't drink water. I made it. It did feel like a rebirth. I can only do what I can do. And go as far as I can go. I am so strong. Not sure why I forget that. From childhood all the way to now. And I just keep trying to do better, not seeing all that I have already done.
I was reborn.
Today what comes to mind is shame. The word shame. The feelings of shame. A lot of the stuff that comes up around trauma, for myself and for others, is shame. Shame really means that you think something is wrong with you. That what happened to you has something to do with the way you are. But it is that thought that holds on to trauma, holds on to old patterns and beliefs, and manages to keep you small - to keep you in shame.
I have shame around my body. A lot of shame around my physical appearance. Shame around my sexual appetite and preferences. Shame shame shame. And I release it. I am leaving it behind here in Bali.
And I started with some naked suntanning. I am me. That’s it. I am not defined by anyone’s definition of beauty but my own. And I love that.