Off to Costa Rica for a month and on another plane. Thinking of the # of planes I have been on in the last few years is crazy. Lots of thinking happens on travel days. It was just a little over 2 and a half years ago that I hired a coach and set the intention to travel more. And travel I have.
Today I feel anger. It's strong in the pit of my stomach, and I also feel loneliness. I am so angry at Paul OR better stated I feel anger in my body and direct or attach it to Paul. Why? Why did things go this way? Why didn't he do it different? LOL. Like the way I wanted it done? I can only practice the feeling of the feelings and to release my emotions. I can't do anything more than I have already done. And that, I think, is the hardest thing. I have to remember enlightenment - the lessons of the true self, of trust of true, unconditional love, of nothing else mattering. I must let go of all of this attachment I carry and just completely surrender. I must meditate. I must love. I must send Paul love. I am ok. Everything is ok. Everything is going to be ok!
Landing in Peru
After 22 hours of travel,I landed in Iquitos, I left the airport in a tuk tuk, and as I sat in the 35• weather headed to town and checked out the scenery, it finally it hit me. Here I am doing this alone. I travel alone quite regularly, but often to meet people. Go on a retreat with friends or to Tony Robbins where I know people, and, I am going on a retreat and meeting with people in Costa Ricabut at this moment the reality of everything that has been building for the last 6 months came to light.
I talked with so many single travellers, all male. Everyone surprised by my journey mainly because of my vagina. Well fuck it (but not really because the ayahausca diet forbids it for 2 weeks prior, during and 2 weeks after lol). I am detoxing here with no coffee, or sugar, or dairy, or as mentioned sex OR alcohol. And other than the dull headache, I feel... I don't want to fill in anymore because I think that sentence says more than any label could. I feel.
A newer feeling for me. Feeling in general. And those of you that knew me even a year ago knew I didn't even feel comfortable with physical touch. I would rather not hug or cuddle or hold hands and now here I am. The hugger with emotions lol... Wtf?
As I talk to more people and hear about their experiences with the medicine, the anticipation right now is at an all time high. I literally can not wait to get to the jungle. I have to remind myself to stay present. To enjoy the cooking. * cooking is what happens basically from the time that you make the decision to partake in the medicine, it's literally all of your shit starting to boil to the surface * And that has been happening to me and I am well aware of it. The closer to the time of actual ingestion, the more intense.
When I was in Chilliwack last weekend there was a lot for me to stew about. One thing that stands out is my issues around rejection and how I let that effect me. In fact, in sharing, I recognized how it effects most people (I want to say everyone but God knows there will be that one person in denial). The fear of rejection seems to stop us from reaching out to others and saying the things that we really want to say. What I've recognized is that it's a pitiful excuse. To not tell someone you like them or love them because you are afraid they won't say the same back is also bottling your emotions. And it causes stress, emotional pain and, eventually, physical ailments. Add up all the things you haven't said in your life (both positive and negative) and tell me your healthy, lol.
I know I said fuck it last weekend. I reached out to my mom a while ago, I cyber-stalked a cute boy and called him, I told almost every person in my life I loved them and I have shared a bit of my upset with those I needed to (carefully as that can be a slippery slope of blame as opposed to personal responsibility). Let me tell you, not one of those things worked out the way I wanted them to. Lol. Not one. All of them went in the way of rejection. My Mom has not responded when I thought she would jump all over it, the boy didn't meet me and no one said sorry or owned their shit with explanation. Fuck.
But I did it anyway and I didn't make it mean anything about me. Because really I think that is what we are worried about,right? If I say I love you and you don't say it back, that means I am unloveable. If I chase after that boy or girl and they don't like me back that means I am ugly or fat or insert your flaws here. And it's not the truth. What is the truth you ask? The truth is objective and without emotion. The truth is you said I love you to someone and they didn't say it back. That's it. It doesn't mean you are unloveable or even that they don't love you back, you never know what is going on with someone else, it just means at that moment, they didn't say it back.
So fuck rejection. Seriously. You know I speak on living out of your comfort zone.... Well that doesn't mean sell everything you own and move to the jungle, it just means say something that scares you, everyday. Or start with once a week. Say I love you or no or yes or hi, my name is. Feel the fear and do it anyway.
This is how I feel today as I sit at the airport, ready to fly!
Today I set off for who knows how long. To go do who knows what, who knows where lol. Well I know a bit. Tomorrow at this time I will be landing in Iquitos, Peru. I will be whisked off into the Amazon for an incredible journey into myself. As mentioned I have battled loneliness and just want to let it go. I want to love ME as much as I loved Paul when I met him. And I will. In fact I sometimes wonder if just by setting that intention, I already do.
Sitting here at Vino Volo, not drinking wine and just wanting to be in Peru already I am reminded about the journey in general. In life, and in flight, it's important not to forget about how important the journey is.
This morning on the ferry I met a woman that I talked to for the entire ferry ride. She was older, super kind and had experienced very little trauma in her life. She was a wealth of positive knowledge and she reminded me of realities I sometimes forget about because I don't often intact with them. I would have missed her if I was in a hurry.
So I imagine there will be some interesting posts to come, but for now you get a goodbye. And a nervous smile. ❤️