Oh My God!!!!

Oh
My
God

Today I arrived on the farm. I did not expect this. I was shown to my abode and there were no fucking walls. Open air to the mother fucking jungle. No net on my bed. Listen... 4 weeks ago I had eyelash extensions and a French manicure, 6 weeks ago I had a 3000 square foot home and here I am. Lol.

No Internet, no cell service, no indoor bathrooms, but.... There are composting toilets, nature, and jungle boys.

Pulled 2 cards today - one said go for it, be daring & the other said be healed in nature. Quite the place to come to. No fucking walls. Open air bed. This forest dance could be crazy and insightful and beautiful. Be open. Everything will be fine with kids. You have got this.

***Looking back on this I am astonished. Opportunities came up that I really struggled with and I did go for it and I was daring, but I didn't remember those cards. I was totally healed in nature. Also Summer was travelling to Costa Rica and I was struggling because I couldn't keep in contact and I figured she needed her mommy... But she did fine without me.

Mar.5

Morning here with the neighbours... I fell in love immediately with Michael & Linda... Fresh coffee, guitar, songs, wise words and a heart shaped tub!

Insights from Michael's morning session :
The little voice in me that talks with no sound.
I am not becoming. I am not going anywhere. I am that, whatever that is.
Go from knowing it all to all knowing.

Evening here includes community, amazing food, incense and reading. A book made its way to me called We. Well worth the read. Notes from We :
In the evolution of consciousness our greatest problem is always our richest opportunity.
Zen teaches that inner growth always involves an experience of a red hot coal in the throat. In our development we always come to a problem, an obstacle that goes so deep that we can't swallow and we can't cough it up.
Love is an archetype, it has its own character, it's own traits, it's own personality. Love behaves as a person in the unconscious. Love is distinct from my ego. Love was here before my ego came in to this world. Love will be here after my ego departs. Yet, love is something or someone that lives within me. Therefore, when I say I love, it is not I who love, but in reality love who acts through me. Love is not so much as something I do as something that I am. Love is not a doing but a state of being.

The End of this Medicine!

Journal Entry - Feb. 23

San Pedro was yesterday. Such a beautiful medicine & my crazy, kick ass, hero dosing body has become uber sensitive. Everything was so beautiful yesterday. Thelagoon, the people, life. And I had too much, LOL! I craved touch yesterday so deeply & longed for connection. I felt like I didn't quite connect with the group even though I really wanted to. The group felt younger than me, there for different reasons. I felt I didn't fit in. This isnot a new fee ling for me. I feel I don't fit in quite often.

What I do see is that constant want to be liked, by everybody, all the time. And the truth is, it's just not possible. It's not real. This part of the journey gave me more of a chance to sit, to reflect, to feel lonely. Something I needed, but didn't necessarily want.

The lessons are rich and all around, ripe for the taking. I just have to open up tothem & also remember them! The journey is not ending, but rather continuing and I can't help reflect on how deep this medicine has truly helped me to heal myself. Kambo, 7 ayahausca, 2 sapo, a sweat, san pedro & rape (chill it is like snuff with an accented e but don't know how to do that... :0). 30 years of trauma release & nervous system detox - crying, shaking, journeying, purging, connecting, loving, journalling & travel. 10 years of therapy in 2 weeks. Now off to Costa Rica for a month!!!!