Funny How Things Go...

Funny how things go... Envision Yoga Festival was the first plan I made post decision to sell everything I own after a Clarity Breathwork Session. Kylie Judge & Leah Barsher ran a special session for my clients and invited me to join them at Envision & Forest Dance here in Costa Rica.... without really knowing what they were, I was quick to say yes. They invited me to stay with them in a hostel, my first hostel and I was a bit apprehensive about it, so Kylie introduced me to Denise. Funny enough, Denise MacDonald and I chose to hang out prior to the festival, without ever considering we wouldn't get along.

Today (Feb.25) I was sitting with Denise at my fave little spot in Dominical, where I was breathed back to life. Denise coached me back to reality, thank God. She gave me 2 different analogies that I will share:

#1 was what happened to me. She said it was like the loonie tunes moment when the coyote runs off the cliff and the Road Runner makes him aware that he can't fly... then he looks down and falls hard. From that experience breeds fear and moving forward is halted. WOW!!! That is exactly what happened!!!

#2 was her bungee jumping story. We are so alike. So she tells me about how she was with a group and they decide to get avideo of them jumping. She was afraid, so she went first. She jumped and kind of jumped in a way that when she hit the bottom of the rope it kind of whiplashed her and it didn't feel super great, but she had gone and was all good. At the end, after everyone had jumped, they said, well only one more to go - Denise, it is your turn. Denise was like, no I went first. They apologized, said they didn't get her jump on video and that she needed to jump again (free jump). Because she didn't jump head first, her experience had been jarring and she didn't want to do it again. The second time knowing what to expect... She got all hooked up and then refused to jump, said it was too scary. It became a thing, the line up was getting long and she didn't want to jump, so they called in the calvary. A guy came and sat on theplatform with her and explained that the longer she sat there the stronger the fear in the pit of her stomach would grow and that it would just get worse and that her only option was to jump. So she did. She said the second time was 10x harder to jump than the first time, BUT if she didn't jump, she would be letting fear win & that would seep into her life.

The next lesson that fit in here at this moment was my roommate in the sacred valley. She had been left with debt and worked her ass off for 2 years, working 2 jobs until she paid it off and got to zero.

Denise said usually what gets in people's way are 2 things, #1 not knowing how to start & #2 nerves around going live, being seen, etc. And neither of those are issues for me, so... on top of that I have more ideas and material, so time to go for it.

What came to me in that moment was not leaving Costa Rica, not going back to the jungle and staying here and getting to work. This for me took the focus off of finding a connection with someone and gave me a goal. Work, pay cheap bills, and get that student loan gone. And now I am pumped.

The connection must wait. The connection is just a distraction, I need to be me. To find me. To clean up my biz. To dedicate my time to a consistent routine. To get a schedule. To stop having excuses and yet stop being so hard on myself.

Gratefulness

Gratefulness is the word that comes up for me today. Around 1pm Bali time, I found myself sitting at a cafe with 3 men & 3 amazing children I did not know a month ago drinking cat poo coffee. Lol, yup you read it right. Drinking cat poo coffee ???? ????. Yogi Will, Ryan and my new friend Cam (a whole nother crazy divine timing person) went for lunch today to eat localfood and Cam told us all about this coffee bean that cats are fed to poop out and that is where the coffee is harvested. Well we have to try that now don’t we.

I recognized this very impactful moment when Will was entertaining us all and my abs were burning, I was laughing so hard and my face hurt and Cam was telling me about taking me motorcycle riding around Bali when I come back. I had to take a moment to be so fucking grateful. Had I not made the decision to change my life sodrastically, I wouldn’t be here, in the jungle, with all of these fantastic people that I feel like I have known forever, drinking cat poo coffee, laughing my ass off and already dreaming about my next trip to Bali!!!!

I was so scared to leave my relationship. So nervous to sell my house, so freaked to release my attachment to all of my material belongings. AND yet I did it and I amso grateful I did. Here I am in Bali running a retreat with the most amazing people, co-creating this amazing sacred & healing space.

Today’s adventure set me up for my word of the year. Ryan directed us through this process and intention setting and talked on the word of the year and this amazing moment hit me - I want more of them. In fact, my word of the year is adventure. And I look forward to so many more!!! Bali has already been so intense and the retreat just started. I am grateful for this life I have lived and the one that is unfolding. My heart feels so freaking full.

Anger

Today I was going to post about something else, but the universe had a different lesson in mind for me it seems. Today I speak about anger.

I was on the last leg of flights yesterday and decided to journal about how chill of a person I am. Like I do get upset sometimes and angry, but I hold it inside. I don’t often tell or tell people I am upset and I don’t think many people in this world have seen me show those types of emotions. Yet, I guess it is time to stop stuffing. After travelling for 27 hours we arrived at the resort and as great as they were, they were not organized. We had an hour and a half check in and at the end of it all, I was theonly one that didn’t have a room. I was tired, wanted to shower and unpack and eat and go to bed. The people seemed very rigid on their policies and rules and I was feeling frustration inside, but didn’t want anyone to see it. So I kept smiling.

I waited quite a while for my room and eventually went to dinner where we found out that a $10 bottle of wine is $95. Really? I am frustrated and now I can’t drink? Prosecco has been my friend for the last few months and I quickly realized a coping mechanism. But that’s ok, just keep smiling. What’s the lesson here for me??? I mean I could drink. It is just really pricey.

Next day. I have to move rooms now and they still don’t have vouchers made for me so that I can eat. It’s ok they tell me and off to the restaurant I go where they refuse to let me eat. Omfg. Really? Mary Penhall Freeman, the sweetest person ever gives me some acknowledgement and I share my journal entry and my lessons in all of this. Some amazingcoaching offered by my new partner in crime Yogi Will, and I recognize that this is the next part of me to be healed. The anger bit. The self love. With a lack of beat up. And yet still being heard.

And I did. I felt and acknowledged that I have anger in my body. I recognized that I have spent so many years trying not to be my Mom. My little girl also had to hide emotions to be strong. To not be angry. To not let anyone see her sweat, or cry, or get mad. To not let anyone know that their words hurt or affected me. And I am grown now. I have emotions. And things hurt me sometimes. I have even cried once or twice.... in the last week. Lol. It’s time for me to feel. It’s time for me to share. It’s time for me to heal.

Attachment

Today I speak to attachment. Like seriously what a life we are living. 4 months ago I drove my youngest and final at home daughter to live with her dad and made one of those life changing decisions. To leave my long term relationship. One of the scariest decisions I have made. I quickly realized that I could no longer make excuses as to why I wasn’t living the life I always dreamed of as all of those excuses were gone. I guess that is why the decision was so scary? I have lived such a cool life, I havedone so many things, and owned so much stuff.

So here I sit reflecting in the YVR airport lounge on the past 4 months. I got the call, you are leaving for Bali tomorrow night and I kicked in to get shit done mode. As the queen of self care preaching, I also got a massage, went to a friends for dinner and got my nails done. Lol.

In October I had my friends Kylie Judge and over to give my clients a clarity breath work experience and during the session it hit me. Let go of all this shit. What I recognized was that in the past 2 years I acquired the pick up, the motorcycle, the pallet bed and all the other stuff. When and if I decide to come back, I can do it again. What good would it do for me to pay for a storage unit to hold onto all this shit I wasn’t using?? Let it go was sooooo clear. So I did.

For months I have packed and decided what to keep and what to let go and here we are. 13 Tupperware containers, 4 small boxes and some randoms. Wow. And as Isit, reality hits. Last night sleeping in my bed. Last shower. I am free. Did you hear me guys???? Free!!! Free from the confines I placed on myself, free from restriction, free from all the things. And here we are. Here I am. Off to adventure the world. Off to find out more about me. Off to journey. ❤️???? straight up can not believe it is finally happening.

Divine Timing

I have read that Divine Timing means that there is a set time for every event, situation and thing that happens in your life. Do I believe it? I am starting to!

The question then becomes how far back do you look or what do you count as divine timing? Something that I say in coaching is that you can't FUCK up your life. Every decision that you make, no matter where it takes you or what happens following the decision, was the right decision. "Hindsight is 20/20" is a pretty popular quote - and without it, how will you ever learn? You made the decision to do that thing, to learn that lesson, to come to that conclusion, to move in that direction. If you had the foresight that taking that road or path would end with an unfavourable outcome, would you have chosen it? NO! But 3 years down the line when you get what you want because you took that path, then you can see WHY.

If you think of life & divine timing like a raging river, you might be more apt to stop fighting the current & trying to swim upstream - wearing yourself out, forcing, fighting, working hard - and you might recognize the benefit of going with the flow. Let go of the reins a little and open your eyes to more around you. Wallace Wattles talks about this in his book The Science of Being Great - how everything in this world, right now is perfect. AND incomplete. The Government, education and health care system, your life - it is all perfect and incomplete - that means there is more!

My trip to India was for an amazing coaching retreat with my Spiritual Business Coach Jesse Johnson. The words to describe the entire experience was straight up - Divine Timing. It started 19 months ago when I met my coach, she told me India was amazing and that she would take me there one day. We made a deal in my second round of coaching with her, that I would give up my one on one retreat to go on a trip with other participants to India for 10 days. And that we did. It started with dates - due to my crazy schedule she asked for dates that would work for me and I gave them to her.

When she started doing her research, it turned out to be the dates I gave her, a famous Kirtan singer Gaura Vani was in the country hosting his own retreat. We made our way to the Govardahn Eco Village to stay, where him and other popular New York Yogis were also hosting retreats. Waking up in India going to practice old school yoga with live Kirtan. WOW. And then... a private sitting with Radanath Swami, the Maharaj, yet more divine timing as he was visiting at the exact same time. From there we traveled on to Bombay to attend the flower festival where we were blessed with 2.5 tonnes of flower petals all over us, as a gift from Krishna.

You think that would be enough, but it wasn't. The entire trip was all about being at the right place at the right time. Even when we were heading out of town to visit Janeshwar's Samadhi we were sitting in a car waiting to leave; the air was ripe, we were sweaty, and one of the retreat participants was getting antsy. We were delayed and on Indian time, but had we left when we were supposed to, Gaura would not have strolled by and invited us to attend a private concert as his guests! When we were heading back to town from the Samadhi, we had been given the opportunity to visit Tukaram's village and chose not to. One of the girls was bummed, as she had wanted to go and when we got in the car to leave, one of the attendant's names was Tukaram & he said, I am here to see you off! WHAT?

And now I look back at my whole life, just like it is the trip to India. Every choice I have ever made, whether divorcing my husband, going to med school to quit it or taking Yoga Teacher Training, it was all the perfect decision. AND there is more. So much more. I am able to stop trying to fight my way to the top and go with the flow. When I look at decisions and divine timing, not only was I presented with everything like it was on a platter, I took the plunge. Yes I was scared, yes it was a lot of money, and I did tell myself that if I was left with nothing, it was fate. What do you think?