Today what comes to mind is shame. The word shame. The feelings of shame. A lot of the stuff that comes up around trauma, for myself and for others, is shame. Shame really means that you think something is wrong with you. That what happened to you has something to do with the way you are. But it is that thought that holds on to trauma, holds on to old patterns and beliefs, and manages to keep you small - to keep you in shame.
I have shame around my body. A lot of shame around my physical appearance. Shame around my sexual appetite and preferences. Shame shame shame. And I release it. I am leaving it behind here in Bali.
And I started with some naked suntanning. I am me. That’s it. I am not defined by anyone’s definition of beauty but my own. And I love that.
Today I was going to post about something else, but the universe had a different lesson in mind for me it seems. Today I speak about anger.
I was on the last leg of flights yesterday and decided to journal about how chill of a person I am. Like I do get upset sometimes and angry, but I hold it inside. I don’t often tell or tell people I am upset and I don’t think many people in this world have seen me show those types of emotions. Yet, I guess it is time to stop stuffing. After travelling for 27 hours we arrived at the resort and as great as they were, they were not organized. We had an hour and a half check in and at the end of it all, I was theonly one that didn’t have a room. I was tired, wanted to shower and unpack and eat and go to bed. The people seemed very rigid on their policies and rules and I was feeling frustration inside, but didn’t want anyone to see it. So I kept smiling.
I waited quite a while for my room and eventually went to dinner where we found out that a $10 bottle of wine is $95. Really? I am frustrated and now I can’t drink? Prosecco has been my friend for the last few months and I quickly realized a coping mechanism. But that’s ok, just keep smiling. What’s the lesson here for me??? I mean I could drink. It is just really pricey.
Next day. I have to move rooms now and they still don’t have vouchers made for me so that I can eat. It’s ok they tell me and off to the restaurant I go where they refuse to let me eat. Omfg. Really? Mary Penhall Freeman, the sweetest person ever gives me some acknowledgement and I share my journal entry and my lessons in all of this. Some amazingcoaching offered by my new partner in crime Yogi Will, and I recognize that this is the next part of me to be healed. The anger bit. The self love. With a lack of beat up. And yet still being heard.
And I did. I felt and acknowledged that I have anger in my body. I recognized that I have spent so many years trying not to be my Mom. My little girl also had to hide emotions to be strong. To not be angry. To not let anyone see her sweat, or cry, or get mad. To not let anyone know that their words hurt or affected me. And I am grown now. I have emotions. And things hurt me sometimes. I have even cried once or twice.... in the last week. Lol. It’s time for me to feel. It’s time for me to share. It’s time for me to heal.
Today I speak to attachment. Like seriously what a life we are living. 4 months ago I drove my youngest and final at home daughter to live with her dad and made one of those life changing decisions. To leave my long term relationship. One of the scariest decisions I have made. I quickly realized that I could no longer make excuses as to why I wasn’t living the life I always dreamed of as all of those excuses were gone. I guess that is why the decision was so scary? I have lived such a cool life, I havedone so many things, and owned so much stuff.
So here I sit reflecting in the YVR airport lounge on the past 4 months. I got the call, you are leaving for Bali tomorrow night and I kicked in to get shit done mode. As the queen of self care preaching, I also got a massage, went to a friends for dinner and got my nails done. Lol.
In October I had my friends Kylie Judge and over to give my clients a clarity breath work experience and during the session it hit me. Let go of all this shit. What I recognized was that in the past 2 years I acquired the pick up, the motorcycle, the pallet bed and all the other stuff. When and if I decide to come back, I can do it again. What good would it do for me to pay for a storage unit to hold onto all this shit I wasn’t using?? Let it go was sooooo clear. So I did.
For months I have packed and decided what to keep and what to let go and here we are. 13 Tupperware containers, 4 small boxes and some randoms. Wow. And as Isit, reality hits. Last night sleeping in my bed. Last shower. I am free. Did you hear me guys???? Free!!! Free from the confines I placed on myself, free from restriction, free from all the things. And here we are. Here I am. Off to adventure the world. Off to find out more about me. Off to journey. ❤️???? straight up can not believe it is finally happening.